Backwards Glances

Over the last few days I've found myself thinking back to all of the chances and opportunities that have got me to this point. All those things which, had I not made the correct choice (for this path), might have not happened otherwise.

Take, for example, the choice to begin playing Guild Wars back almost four years ago; without this choice I would not have met Alf, who in turn introduced me to Mark. Before that could happen I needed to make friends with Hayley. If I hadn't met her she would never have spoken to Ash, she would never have formed a relationship with him, and it was him (ultimately) that convinced Hayley to move to AoM and her who convinced me to move... AoM was where I met Neil who introduced me to Alf, who introduced me to Mark. Had Alf not fiddled with the guild secret santa results last year I would not have made friends with Mark at all.

Some of these choices (such as the one to speak to Hayley), were active choices, and some where slightly more passive. I was active in most of them, but sometimes my path was the only thing dictating the outcome. If I take the decision to leave Alex as an example; for so many years I had been making the choice to leave and then disregarding it, but I had been making the right choice all that time, despite not acting on it. Because that's what it takes more than anything: action.

It's fine to say that you're going to do something, or think that you will do it, but if you don't act on it the decision makes no difference whatsoever. The decision to leave Alex was probably the best I made it a long time, but only when I acted on it.

The other part of these thoughts is, of course, the question of whether straying from the path we're on makes a difference at all? Are these choices all planned out for us in advance? Is it "fate"? "Destiny"? Perhaps. But surely if we stand idle these things won't happen by themselves.

The way I see it, "fate" is the idea not that decisions are made for us, but that, because of the way we are brought up, our genes and our experiences, we are bound to make a certain decision. I was "fated" to get guinea pigs again because I had them when I was young and missed taking care of them; if I hadn't had them when I was younger I may not have purchased them. The fact that I did have them when I was a child again relied on how my parents saw pets for children, which relied on their own upbringing.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that there are so many variables in every single decision we make. Depending on your point of view these variables either expand or contract the decision making it either complete chance or inevitable. But whatever your view of the world, I'd say that, because we can't see far along our paths, "fate" is just an idea and it doesn't really matter all that much. In the end it all feels like it's real, does it really matter if it's not?

A Legend... ary Christmas!

I'm sat here, drinking a glass of mine and Mark's Maltese wine and watching my new dvd of How I Met Your Mother. It's a great Christmas to say the least. Mark's company has been amazing, and so much fun has been had today.

Presents were good too, especially from Mark. My collection of glass animals from Mdina Glass has officially reached TWO! Yay! :)

This Christmas has been great so far, and I'm sure the next few days will follow in complete sync with this one.

Pre-Christmas Decisions

Statistics say that the highest peak in the graph for break-up statistics is the week before Christmas. If your year has been rocky, and your woman or man seems a little reluctant to stay with you... well, now will probably be your last chance to act upon it. The second highest is, ironically, just before valentines day.

I guess these statistics didn't really surprise me (when I discovered them around a month ago), the reason being that points, annually, are the ones that make us reassess family and relationships. Especially Christmas, I mean, it's almost a year gone. For most, it's also the biggest holiday in the year that we all share. The giving of gifts is a catalyst to the thoughts of really knowing a person. You need to accumulate all your thoughts about them to come up with something that they, individually, will enjoy receiving.

So what if you're persistently asked what you want by your loved one? Is that a sign that they don't know you? Or just a sign that they're unwilling to take the chance and make a mistake?

This time last year, and the years before that, I remember thinking the same thing. I wondered whether the unromantic gifts of computer equipment were really what I wanted from a boyfriend. I would have loved to have said "surprise me" but if I had done that, I doubt that anything at all would have come of it, let alone anything good. This year, with my wonderful Mark, that is just what I have done. I have told him very little, and let him make the decision.

But is it right to expect this flourish of romantic inspiration from our loved ones? And do they need the extra stress of trying to think of the perfect gift? Especially if they're not the most organised people in the world. I guess that's for you, as a couple (or individual) to decide.

I do know, however, that those unromantic gifts that I recieved on those years have completely slipped my mind. And more than that, I have no emotional or nostalgic connection to them and that day, or them and that person even. They are things that I got at some point, from someone, that I use for something. I'd much rather have something (espeically from someone I love) that symbolised the knowledge of my character.

Take my glass elephant from Mark for example (though spontaneously bought rather than as a Christmas present), it sits on my desk, and every time I see it, it brings back memories of wandering around Malta with him, experiencing things that I would never have dreamed. In short, when I see it, is symbolises the risk both of us made for our relationship this summer, and the happiness we found. Whenever I look at it I can't help smiling.

Getting presents that I can do that with make me truly appreciate the fact that the person is in my life. I have a particular fondness of things for my desk, and anyone who knows me also knows that fact. Another of it's occupants is a model of Buttercup the unicorn in Toy Story 3. It was from Hayley, and I love it and am reminded of how well she knows me.

In no way am I suggesting that there is a way to win your uncertain partner back with the perfect present, but perhaps next time you'll make that extra effort. And by the way, while we're on this topic, don't think that just because it's been more than one or two years in a relationship, you don't need to make an effort. Relationships take effort, and when they're good they're worth it.

Let me leave you with this simile: Relationships are like Bonsai trees, they need constant attention, but when done right, the beauty is as dazzling and far outweighs the effort.

Piggies and Pining

Last night my guinea pig Hades died. He was nearly one, and I have no idea why he died. He could have been being bullied by Thor or he could've been ill. I read that guinea pigs, because they're prey animals, tend to hide their symptoms until the last second. Despite that I can only see the fact that he's thinner than Thor, which (let's face it) isn't that hard.

He wasn't the dominant one, he wasn't the strongest, or the most well fed, but he was my favourite of the two. And I can't help thinking I could've done more. He had been more sickly and weak than Thor in his short life. Maybe I should've taken him to the vet the first few times, but he seemed better.

And now that Hades is gone I've moved Thor into my room, into an indoor cage, at least for the winter. He's making my room smell like guinea pig, and I can't decide if it's comforting or not. He needs a bath, but the shampoo is ordered so that I can bathe him, and I also ordered a brush, because when I stroked him I got a hand covered in fur.

He seems to be settling in but has spent most of today being hidden. I think he may be pining, he didn't really seem to know what had happened to Hades this morning.

More than ever, I wish Mark were here to spend time with me. Snuggles, chocolate ice cream and a good long talk... talk here not meaning talk of course ;)

Still, with all this activity today it has flown by. Let's hope the weather holds.

Severe Weather Warnings

This weekend has seen the arrival of another batch of snow over the UK. For those of us living here it has been hectic, especially for travels home from university and out of the country. Considering the abysmal timing of this devilish white precipitation coincided with the beginning of the Christmas holidays and the busiest day of the year for the airports, there is no doubt that all those travellers and airport staff are pissed off about this.

The fact that Mark is due to catch a flight on Thursday of this week to get over here, via Heathrow (which was closed until this morning), also leaves me worried and praying for no more snow in that part of London so that the airport has time to get back up and running before his flight. Though the BBC predict no more snow there before Friday, it could change at any time, as demonstrated by the predictions of last night's weather forecast verses the ones of this morning. Needless to say, I've become a bit obsessed with refreshing the BBC weather page to make sure nothing has changed in the last five minutes.

Of course, as usual, my title relates to more than just the physical weather conditions. Sometimes I think that emotional weather is far more destructive. Think about it; one bad storm and you could be falling apart, your whole life as you know it. Tornadoes of arguments bringing your world back to foundations. But what if you are solely to blame for it. I know in most cases, blame is shared, arguments almost always take two stubborn people to blow up, it's very hard to argue with someone who's submitting to you.

Relationships should be built on trust and honesty; we hear it everywhere, every television show, every magazine, every relationship advice column everywhere. But how do we define dishonesty? Is it just lying? Or would we label keeping something from them intentionally?

Since I got my Sex and the City dvd I've picked up on several things to do with this topic; Carrie, the main character, has a serious relationship which ends destructively, and then finds a lovely new boyfriend. While out with said new boyfriend, she runs into her ex, but doesn't introduce them, she pretends that she just knows the ex as a far off friend. He's married now anyway. But later she ends up sleeping with her ex. Still she keeps this from her new and lovely boyfriend.

Now the question I ask you: is the only wrongdoing she does sleeping with her ex and keeping it from her new boyfriend? Or is she also wrong to avoid introducing him as her ex? Is that also considered dishonest? I mean the past is past right? And would it have made a difference if she hadn't preceded to sleep with him?

If you gain contact with an ex who you'd previously left behind, should you let your current boyfriend know? I mean, is it even any of their business? Well, I guess that depends on your individual relationship really. But if they don't ask, are you obliged to tell them at all? Personally I'd say yes, simply because I would want to be kept in the loop in my own relationship, if only to keep an eye on the situation. By being closer I'd like to think it would be easier to see how to get past it if it did go too far.

Besides, what kind of mindset does it take to look elsewhere when you shouldn't? I mean, I have been guilty of it in the past, but now that I've found something I've been looking for, for what feels like forever, I would say the idea of doing so again revolts me. But what if it's "the one that got away" that extra special person. And then, if they are that person, do you know they'll be good for you? Especially if it was destructive last time. You're so compatible! Well I guess, but have you been in an adult relationship? How do you know it'll work if you haven't? How do you know that all those things you adore about them now aren't hiding those flaws that you just can't live with?

And if you are going to go and do this. If your heart just won't be quietened. Why are you still with your current boyfriend? Is it because you want something to fall back on? And if you answered yes to that, that's pretty damn selfish.

Mannerisms

Sometimes I feel like I carry part of all the people I've ever known well around with me. A vocabulary is a strange thing, seemingly like a parched sponge eager for water, we often pick up the mannerisms of those closest to us, and carry them with us, repeating them long after the person who originally used them has gone.

I see it in my brother and his friends all the time. A name, usually a fairly playfully nasty one, gets bestowed on my brother by my dad, and then, at a later date, hear one of my brother's friends repeating it yelling at a computer game. It's weird how those phrases get passed on to those around us.

I feel myself doing it too, especially with Mark and Hayley. Those people I speak to every day know my signature words and phrases, and I find myself picking up theirs. Sometimes I'll say something to someone and stop and think "wow, that was such a Mark thing to say". I believe the word "pro" in my vocabulary originates from Ben, the word "awesome" I attribute to Hayley, and the elongated "gayyyyyyy" is so obviously Mark's. But sometimes I find myself saying them, and "awesome" has become one of my own.

This talk brings me to thinking about the mannerisms of my characters. Each character needs to be believable, and so shouldn't they be given mannerisms too? I mean we give them habits, flaws, and items they can't do without, but dialogue is often the key to a believable character. And mannerisms are one of the keys to believable dialogue.

In a world where everyone soaks up each other's words, how can these characters not be like that? Perhaps you could even go as far as to argue that this mimicking is a key aspect of humanity.

Innermost Feelings

Something happened last night that I have been encouraging for a long time, Hayley finally let Ash read her blog. There is a reason I have been waiting for this to happen; the communication between the two of them suffers from the heavy baggage that Hayley carries, and the reading her blog gives Ash the opportunity to discover what bothers her in an indirect way, but in a way that he can directly act on and, assuming he takes the words on those pages and does something about them (say opening a conversation about it to chat through it with her) it could benefit their relationship greatly.

Of course, there is also a censorship issue that goes hand in hand with letting your other half read your blog; if there's something you don't want them to read/know about, you're more likely to leave it out. After all, your blog posts are what you make them. Mine, as you may have noticed, rarely enter the emotional zone of my life, simply because anyone could be reading. I tend to keep them more about what my mind is exploring. In short, one could describe mine as: mind over heart. 

The other side of this is that, if the posts are taken the wrong way, the reading of an emotional blog post could become destructive. In the heat of your anger you write something not-so-flattering about that special person and they take offence. In all honesty, it's probably not the best idea to write them in an angry state of mind, but you did... and it's also probably not going to be what you wrote that bothers your partner, it's going to be the fact that you put it out there for the world to see, I mean who knows who comes across your blog?

Destruction of relationships via blog posts is quite unlikely, especially if your other half goes into reading the posts in the right mindset. But if they don't and they read something they don't like what will they do? I mean, they have no power to change the post, all they can do is rage at you, and if they do that are they breaching your freedom? Maybe. But if the post is about them then perhaps they do have a leg to stand on, even if it's a very skinny one. Think about it though, it would be pretty petty of them not to try and sort those issues you mentioned out before ditching you. 

Blogs can be a great way to see the keyhole view into someone's life and thoughts. But, like a diary, they are very open to keeping the secret secret and bringing the past into the present. Sometimes they are reliable, and sometimes they are a load of drivel, and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. 

The Road Ahead

It must be hell not to know where your relationship is headed. The thought processes that get played with in these instances are often with views of hindsight and cynicism. Perhaps it's the knowledge that my other relationships (or most of them at least) haven't really been heading anywhere.

Now that I'm in a relationship with motives and a future, it's strange to think how, in the others, I pretended they were heading somewhere, as if I couldn't take the idea that they weren't. The most intricate futures were sketched and then carved into what I thought was stone, when it was really only plasticine. I thought they were real, I convinced myself. Marriage, kids, all of the things I want that none of them did.

And now that I'm in a relationship that is going somewhere, it's different, I feel like I can keep my eyes open in this relationship instead of clouding them in delusion. Looking back leaves me wondering how I did it, and whether anyone I know knew I was doing it.

I wonder sometimes if the other people in my life are doing the same thing. The thing is, you're never sure where you're going, and sometimes it's like being halfway up a mountain, you can't see very far in front of you because of low cloud and mist rising off the lake. If the mist cleared it could be beautiful, but there are rockfalls on the road and trees that may have fallen.

You can ask, bring up the subject, try to talk about it; but if you don't have the same ideas about a future, the same thirsts that need quenching, then it's just going to turn into a tug of war. One of you is inevitably going to lose and end up feeling bitter. And if the relationship isn't heading where you want it to, what do you do? I have no idea... I only know what I did.

And worse than the split ambitions is those with no ambitions. When asked "where do you see yourself in five years" they have no idea. So what? They're "young" just over twenty... and they don't know yet what they want from life. Not at all. Oh yeah! There is that house, you know, the one they want in the future... well I say future, I actually mean in the next millennium, because they're not going to be able to afford it any time soon.

Maybe my lack of faith is misplaced though. Who knows? In a few years maybe they will grow up enough to be the man with the dreams you always wanted. Or maybe they won't. Perhaps all this maybe crap is just those low clouds I was talking about at the beginning. Is this delusion?

Guilty Pleasures

About a week ago I ordered the first six seasons of Sex and the City, and yesterday, they arrived. I call it a guilty pleasure not just because the ridiculous amount of sex in them, but also because of the giant amount of stereotypical drivel. I admit it's not the most cultural show, but I love it. It also raises a lot of relationship issues, I suppose you could term it "research" for real life, though of course, highly exaggerated.

So many times in Sex and the City they use the phrase "well he's a man" as if it excuses everything the men are doing wrong. The stereotypical-streak borders on domination, and I sometimes wonder if that's all the show is based upon. Of course, being a man is not an excuse for anything except having a penis. It can't excuse bad manners, controlling behaviour, lack of romance, or even inability to connect with emotions. The only thing that can even begin to excuse things like that are upbringing and a mature member of the human race will take the blame themselves.

In the next two weeks Mark, once again, lands on British soil. I'm looking forward to it for obvious reasons. This Christmas is set to be a great one, probably the best yet. Maybe Mark is the missing ingredient in my life, after all, he treats me like every day we spend together is our anniversary. I love it, and hope it never changes.   Even though Mark is technically not a guilty pleasure, being that I feel like shouting that I'm his from the rooftop (if you'll pardon the cliché), this Christmas I'll be indulging more than usual.

Just a short post today I guess. Have fun readers.

Dirty Laundry

As I begin to approach the idea of being independent, of flying the nest (I guess), I've started examining what independence really means. What does it mean to be independent? Well of course it's depending on yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, looking after yourself. Cooking, cleaning, doing your own laundry, paying bills, earning an income, driving your own car. And if you're not doing the entire bundle can you truly call yourself independent?

I mean say, for example, you don't do your own washing? What if you take it back to your parents' house? Well I'd say, if that were the case, you need a damn sharp thwack over the head. Your parents raised you, sure, but that doesn't make them your personal washing service, besides they have lives too. Why do you live under the impression that they should have anything to do with your washing now? You moved out of their house, you're no longer their responsibility. And what are you going to do once you have kids? "Oh here dad, here's our entire family's washing for you!" If I were one of your parents I would tell you where to go. Respecting your elders? Hell, you don't know the first thing about respect.

In a year or two I expect to be packing up and flying away from this "nest" myself. Let me tell you, I will certainly be doing my own washing (or at least sharing duties with Mark). As far as I'm concerned, the cooking, cleaning, and washing are all joint things, just as watching TV, gaming, and sleeping are.

So what if your partner refuses to do their part? Well, if they're a human being who respects you, they will listen when you tell them, and do something about it. And that's what it comes down to, respect. Because if they respect you then they also respect your use of time, and your effort to put the house to rights. Respect extends to all things in life, when someone feels like that about you then they show it in everything. The Lily Allen song "Not Fair" fits with this quite nicely. In the first line she says that her man treats her with respect, but then in the chorus she says that, when it comes to the bedroom, he is only out for himself. Whenever I hear it I think "well, then he's not treating you with respect is he?"

On the flip-side of that, of course, there is the absolute disrespect of someone. Some people confuse it with hate, but it's not. Disrespect is a basic lack of respect for someone. Perhaps it's not respecting their boundaries or as simple as not listening when they tell you to stop. If you think they're joking the first time, well, fair enough, but when they tell you to stop repeatedly and they don't, well, that's just vile. And disrespect goes further than that at times, becoming violent. Rape would be an example of this, and in some sense perhaps any kind of abusive behaviour is rape. I mean, when we kill enemies without a care in games we describe it as "raping". Perhaps that could even apply to the parents and laundry thing, after all, you are taking advantage.

The third part of the respect coin would be loss of respect. This can only happen when there was respect there at one point, and usually comes about when someone breaks a promise (or many) or does something that violates you or others. There comes a time when you can no longer blame their failings on the rest of the world (as they do), and you have to give the blame to them (let's face it, they should be shouldering it anyway). Bad memory isn't an excuse either, if you don't like something, and they know, and they forget, well, they obviously don't respect that enough to remember it, or even write it down! For God's sake! There are ways to improve memory!

All this stuff: moving in with someone, not taking your laundry to your parents', doing your fair share in life; it all comes down to respect. Without respect there is nothing there, and it will fall apart. All you need to do to see that I'm right is look around, the lack of respect is plain!

The Giving

Yesterday was spent mainly in my bedroom, watching the internet pass by and (finally) getting my critical essay done. That's two out of three needed in before Christmas completed, and I feel light. The essay was the most worrying to me.

With the plans for today focusing on the giving part of Christmas, as well as spending time with my lovely lady friend Hayley, I find myself wondering. Of course no one needs an excuse to give presents to the ones they love, and no one needs an excuse to celebrate God. I mean those that do, already praise whenever they can, and those that don't use Christmas as a break from the normal, to come together and enjoy family, however much turmoil that causes.

In the last few years I have had strange Christmasses, I can speak of a house without a tree, or decorations, or even proper presents. There was no unwrapping together by the fire, surrounded by the sound of Christmas day cartoons, no real feast. In short, there was no atmosphere at all. And I missed it.

I was brought up, for seventeen years, in a house that did proper Christmas, with us (the children of the house) bugging our parents for the right to open presents. Still in our pjs we'd come downstairs at six am, woken by our own excitement, and we'd see all those presents neatly laid under the tree just waiting for us to come and open them, tear a corner of that wrapping paper to guess what's inside!

Nine am was when they'd let us open them, the older ones of us enforcing the young, making sure we were fair. We had to have breakfast and be dressed (at least partially) before we could open them. Mum and dad had to be back from the mass they attended on Christmas morning (a time we'd spend watching tv and staring longingly at the presents, occasionally discussing what we'd open first).

Then when nine was on the clock we'd pull our parents into the room and sit down as a family opening presents. We had to be careful not to open too many too quickly so that we'd avoid the jealousy of not having surprises left like the rest. We were always encouraged to keep a list to write the thank you cards later (not that we actually did that for most of our years). All in all, it was over in around half an hour. The wrapping would be lain in the fire, the presents hauled up to rooms to be put away before church, and then in hats and scarves and gloves we'd head out and attend church.

Seven minutes down the road we'd walk, to the church that we'd attended every Sunday since we were born. We'd exchange "Merry Christmas" with everyone there. Get asked what we got, and then bundle into the main hall where we'd spend an hour being reminded what the day was about, and always taking something we'd been given for Christmas to show off to the rest of them. There were always those quirky little gifts that people had thought would please us. And then, when the hour was up we'd head home again, wrapped up in our cozies.

Lunch was started once we got home, ready for around one pm. Nibbles preceeding it, peanuts and tomato juice, the tradition in our family. We'd watch tv, play with our gifts, perhaps challenge each other to board games. All the while the cooking ensued in the kitchen, bright smells wafting through with the warmth.

Then lunch itself in all it's affair; roast turkey (usually), complimenting veg - roast potatoes, roast parsnips, cabbage, carrot, swede, mushrooms and always sprouts. Then the sausage-meat stuffing, and the mini sausages. After came the Christmas pudding, and mince pies and other Christmassy noms.

Finally we'd help clean up, all taking our share. We'd return to our rooms, or to the living room for tv and possibly board-games. Spend the rest of the afternoon digesting. Turkey sandwiches (if we wanted them) in the evening. Crackers at some point, laughing at the jokes even though they were terrible with those plastic prizes that were enjoyed oh so much.

The giving part of Christmas has become my favourite in recent years. The receiving is nice, but seeing the other person opening your present to find what they wanted is more reward than the present in return. The giving, I think, is what was missing in recent years. I gave, but being given to in return is a different thing. When you're around selfish people you learn what it is to give without expectation. This year, I know I will see free giving in return, and I will appreciate it more than the gifts. I have discovered what the phrase "it's the thought that counts" truly means.

Rising Tides

The night before last saw the unexpected return of the Tsunami dream this time with a twist of the tsunami being made of snow (I guess that's something to do with recent weather). The dream (as many of you will have read) is linked whole-heartedly with my brain and the possible sense of the overwhelm that I feel with my life in general. This time it's most likely the work-load that needs to be handed in in the next two weeks pending Christmas. Though I have started all three pieces, I am slightly unsure about where to take them and wonder how much I will manage in the next week, as (ideally) I should finish all three before the end of this week and the one to be handed in this Thursday before Wednesday.

Instead of using this time in lessons or writing essays, I have been sat here checking out my blog stats. There seems to be someone who is on vista regularly checking out my blog, I'm not sure who, but I guess I'm fairly interesting after all. The fact that 48% of my blog is also viewed on firefox is also interesting, especially as Hayley has recently started using chrome, like me and Mark also do (seriously, firefox has got really slow). 

Last night was spent sat at my computer singing along to Christmas songs, and over the weekend the wrapping of presents began with much stroking of my presentation skills and the attention to detail that makes those little things in my crafty life-style extra special. Sadly I ran out of ribbon which means a trip to the shops. The up and coming visit to Southampton with my fabulous Hayley is one thing I definitely am looking forward to this week, possibly with the addition of an Ikea visit to purchase some nifty furniture adjustments for my room making it wholly more guest friendly and tidier.

One thing I've noticed about my life in general these last few months, is that having a tidy room makes my entire life seem much more clean and crisp and simple. It's as if, instead of searching for an answer under a mountain of crap, my answer is sat in plain view. I guess part of that could be with the drastic contrast in the relationships over the past year and not having to wade through, what felt like, mud full of sharp subjects that could derail the peace. To be blunt: I'm no longer in a relationship with a sulky four-year-old but with a man who has no trouble taking on his demons.

I also find myself becoming slightly obsessive in my cleanliness, though this could be a good thing more than a bad one. My desk is the main source of this obsession, anything that shouldn't be there annoys me to such a degree that I must move it. Even plates and mugs get removed daily and my need to use a coaster has become intense. I wonder if the mindset change has been brought about by a new-found want to move out of home and in with Mark, though I know that won't happen for a couple of years, the tidying and maintenance of my own space will help me when it does happen. 

Tonight I plan to modify my ceiling. Though I love my danglies it is time to prune them back and dispose of those that have been around so long and grown stale and old. Some of them need re-hanging, some need throwing away, and some need simply to be moved to a new location. I want my room to keep it's quirky charm while adding a sense of style. Let's face it, the ceiling's over-crowded.

I must also admit it's getting to the stage when I need another Hayley night, though with the essay season falling fast upon us, it may not be possible in the next few weeks. I also hope it doesn't snow before the twenty-third of December so that the next instalment of Mark is set off smoothly. 

Right, that's enough ramble for now. Later readers. 

Not a Weapon

The snowfall last night was as much as we had last year, if not more. The stacks of it that formed on objects were significant enough to warrant boots instead of just shoes (as Chris found out) and bloody cold. The perfect carpet of snow was truly beautiful this morning, however, and I took many photographs of it. Despite the many literary beautiful descriptions of snow, I don't actually like the stuff, especially when it is cold and I have somewhere to be. Today I had no where to be, so I enjoyed snuggling up with movies and dvds and drank fruit tea and enjoyed the solitude.

Watching stuff got me to thinking about a topic that I have always found quite disgusting: the use of sex as a weapon.

To take a most obvious example of this, I would like to present exhibit A: Carla in Scrubs. How many times have you heard her say "no sex for a month"? Many many times. But using someone else's urges to get your way? Well that's just plain manipulative. Give me something I want and I'll give you something you want. If sex is as special as some people claim, as I myself would claim, if it's a privilege, is it fair to use it as a weapon too? Some would argue yes.

I'd agree that it's something special indeed, but the place I see it having in a relationship is as a key way of bonding with the other party. If you're withholding it as a punishment then you're starting to undermine that bond that the two of you share. If you think something is wrong then talk.

There will still be those who argue against that, and I do understand that. It's a means to control. And some people think that control is the only way to get what they need. Of course, I'm in no way saying that if you're not in the mood to, you should have sex regardless, but this brings me on to my next point.

What happens when the control becomes something more? Something malicious perhaps? Here I'm talking not about denying sex, or at least not just that, I'm talking about gearing your partner up for sex, making them think it's going to happen, and then stopping for the sheer enjoyment of watching them battle their own urges. Ask yourself, is that fair? Of course it's not. If you turned the tap on to fill the bath and then leave the room, the bath is going to overflow. To clarify a point, I'm not talking about teasing here, teasing can be a useful tool in making the sex more intense. I'm also not talking about when you get halfway through and are too exhausted to continue, or you realise you'll be late, or whatever. I'm talking about the times when there are no legitimate excuses other than that you think it's fun to make the other squirm.

Me? I don't use sex as a weapon, I never have, and I never intend to. The only thing I've ever done with sex is enjoy it.

Expectations

A conversation today caught my attention, pulling my thoughts into a group ready to be put down on paper (well blog).

Ask yourself this: What do you want from the next five years? I know what I'd like personally; a job, a home, perhaps a marriage... these are all realistic things, obtainable things. But what about those who want more from the next five years, and what if you don't know what you want? A lot of people have no idea. 

Where do you see yourself in the next five years? With that same partner that you're with now? In the same job? In the same house? And if the answer is no, is there a reason you're not making plans to be otherwise? 

Do you and your partner want the same things? This question isn't meant in terms of little details, such as what kind of job you'd like or how you want to decorate your living room, but in terms of the big things, house, children? I mean, for a relationship to succeed you need to be on the same page, have you ever tried looking at a magazine with someone who was already looking at the page ahead, it's annoying as hell. 

You need to have at least one common goal with that person, otherwise where the hell do you expect it to go? 

The timeline is important too, are you willing to wait around all those years for the proposal that you know will only come from years of heavy hint-dropping? Or do you want someone who has the same timeline as you? Someone who would happily achieve and surpass your expectations? Well everyone wants that, everyone wants to find the perfect partner. 

And if you have that, patience is key. I read a book by a man about cracking the code of men. It told me a load of things I already knew, but it also told me that patience, in any situation, is a key virtue. Bickering, shouting, some people air their thoughts that way, but each of the partners see it as something that isn't serious. They don't mean what they're saying, it's an argument, they're angry. But that doesn't mean that there is no truth behind it. 

In order for the relationship to survive the ages, there needs to be patience, and trust. Because if the shit hits the fan, and they don't do anything to help then they're just adding to the damage. You can't hold everything together on your own, even if you're the strongest person on earth. You need a backup, and there is a reason you're called partners. 

On another note, honesty is how you should start out. No matter how insecure you are, you need to show the other person who you are, and not some confident persona of you. If you show someone that you are something, someone, you are not, they go into the relationship blind. You wouldn't want that so why should they be put through it too? That way they know who you are and how you work, and they're less likely to try and change you into someone they'll like when you become comfortable enough to drop the persona. 

As Mark would say, "start as you mean to continue" meaning: if you put the effort in at the beginning, don't let that slide away. She wants morning sex? Give her morning sex, and not just once. He wants to be ravaged at the neck? Do it every time, not just once. Both women and men are guilty of this. It's about appreciation. 

I guess we're not so different after all.