Seahorses

Since I was quite little, I've had a fascination with seahorses. They are the only species, for example, where the male gives birth to the children; they're great at hiding, often looking like specific plants so that they can blend seamlessly with their surroundings; and above all, I have always thought they were beautiful. Not many people know this about me, but they make up my favourite exhibit at aquariums. I'd pay a great deal more money to get into an aquarium exclusively for seahorses.

As those of you who keep up with this blog will know, I flew back from Malta today after Mark's birthday. On the flight, as well as taking pictures of clouds, playing animal crossing, and reading, I watched some of the silent nature documentaries that Air Malta show on their flights and there was one about the seahorse. I found it very interesting even though the writing was terrible and my brother could probably do better.

When I play chess, so I'm told, I play very aggressively with my knights. I have to admit, they are my favourite pieces on the board, mainly because they are so versatile, yet dispensable at the same time. I don't pride myself at being amazing at chess, but I like to think that my knight skills are the kind of thing that at least my brother dreams of, if not Mark too.

While in Malta this week, we visited Mdina glass near the craft village and had a great time looking around the shop. Mark and I have our eyes on a couple of collections of items which we one day hope to have displayed in our house. As well as that though I have been slowly gathering a collection of glass animals in a certain colour scheme (black with blue swirls). And we found the latest addition to this little collection this weekend when we visited.

Whether it's a seahorse or a knight from a chess board I'm still not sure. It fits right in, and I love it regardless of which it is. So I should say this: Thank you Mark for this latest addition. :)

Return to Malta

As those of you who keep up with my blog will know, I am at residence in Malta at this minute. Although my stay is only a short one this time, I am finding that I love it just as much (if not more) as I did in the summer. For starters we're seeing a temperature of close to fifteen degrees C here almost every day, and the wind is fresh and cool, not cold.

today, particularly, has been a wave of activity: seeing Mark's aunt, visiting the craft village, home for lunch, back out at the cinema to see Tangled (great film btw soooo getting the DVD), more shopping, back home, and then later we'll be heading out for dinner. This is the type of thing that the perfect holidays are made of, and though I travel home on Monday (a mere two days! It's gone so quickly!) I look forward to a fun-filled action-packed Sunday.

That said, I wouldn't want every day to be this full of adventure, though I could do with more of the relaxing evenings that Mark and I had last night.

Something I have realised since being back in Malta, however, is that Mark brings out a more fun-loving adventurous side of me. With him I find myself wanting to try new things, do new things and spend more time outdoors walking and just spending time together. He is my Maltese adventure, whether he's in Malta or England, or wherever.

After this holiday it will be a fair length of time before we see each other again. We've looked at the calendars and decided that the best bet is easter. That's over two months from when I go back home, longer than we've ever spent away from each other. Despite that, I find myself knowing that there isn't anything to worry about, after all, we've survived half the year already as if it were a heartbeat and we're still going as strong as the beginning, if not stronger.

The time spent apart aside, I am looking forward to returning home. I should have several packages waiting for me, not to mention the Graze box from last week. The visit that should be happening from Hayley will be very welcome too, and I have some interesting stories to tell her.

That should be it now readers, the next post will probably be on the day of my return.

My Flight in Pictures

Yesterday, understandably, the amount of waiting time I had to kill was making me fairly bored so I decided to plan my next blog post - this blog post - while I was waiting.

Enjoy:

This first picture explains how I felt when I realised I had left my phone at home but had no time to go back for it, apart from like an idiot.

Somehow I always manage to set off the metal detector gate, I'm not sure how. Maybe I'm actually a robot.

Considering how many WHSmiths there are in the shopping areas at terminal four, finding a notebook for my drawings was a nightmare. They also keep the pens behind the counter... I'm not sure why, maybe they're armed and dangerous.

I swear the majority of the shopping area is made up of Harrods. Anyone would think they expected us to spend money while we wait.

This was my waiting time after finding a notebook and pen.

For anyone who's never played Animal Crossing, sea bass are one of the most common and most annoying fish to catch. 

My window seat was right next to the wing, the writing out of the window says *wobble*. It's quite scary when the wing is wobbling all over the place, but I'd be more worried if there was no flexibility in it at all.

Yay for indiscernible aeroplane food. Actually it was quite delicious and certainly filled the gap in my stomach.

After that I pretty-much just played more Animal Crossing and waited for the flight to end. Fishing was fun though :D

Baggage

Packing for my trip to Malta tomorrow morning brought back weird memories. Even weirder ones were formed today, however, as I took Thor downstairs where he's going to stay while I'm away so that he gets to see people. Looking at the empty space, it feels like he's died or something. I have to keep reminding myself that, should I want to give him cuddles, he's only downstairs.

I doubt I'll sleep well tonight, the absence of his sound coupled with the new-found nerves at flying alone from a much bigger airport and without being dropped off at the airport door will be the cause of that. For the last two nights I've had flight related nightmares.

My paranoia is not enough to stop me though, I mean Heathrow is just an airport, and I'm told it's sign-posted to infinity. As soon as I'm on the coach tomorrow I can see myself turning away from nerves and going into "it's an adventure" mode, just as I did when half the tube stations Mark and I were meant to be travelling to were closed over the winter break.

And once I'm in the plane, well I've done that all before.

In other news, my Wii version of Animal Crossing arrived today; after Hayley and I had a dive into the DS version yesterday, we've both decided to get the Wii version too. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed playing it. I'm also making steps to join the Wii to the internet so that me and Hayley can use Wii speak (which came with Animal Crossing).

I'll leave you with some pictures I took of some of the weird things my neighbours have said to me.

What an introduction

Blathers really knows how Octopus should be eaten...

Make your mind up Freckles

Getting a bit carried away there Blathers?

Well-Rounded

This weekend Lizzie has returned home for a visit. Considering how we hardly speak for the majority of the time that she's at uni, we had some really really revealing conversations this morning. I won't go into what exactly was discussed, but one of the ideas that I got out of it was that having siblings that are close in age to you makes you a more rounded person as a whole.

In life we all go through shitty times, and we all have to work at relationships. Sometimes the relationships we're in make us blind, and at those times we make crappy decisions that don't seem so at the time, but in hindsight they are. At the moment there are relationship issues at Lizzie's end and they're not pretty. But perhaps her upbringing and being so close in age as a sibling with me will make her more able to deal with it.

When you're brought up with a sibling close to your own age you tend to squabble quite a lot. Rivalry for approval is often the catalyst to all sorts of mayhem, and these fights often lead to both of you getting in trouble. The teen years were especially hard for us; her perfect grades were mine to envy, and both of us seemed to want each other to gain massive disapproval from the parents. That said, we did get on sometimes, sharing the group of friends in such a way that we did made us more friendly than we had previously been, though the friction (when it came) was far worse because of it.

Perhaps, though, the fact that we grew up like that made us more resistant and able to take being outdone by someone else. I'm the first to admit that I have a competitive streak, but when it comes to it (if I really care about someone) I will back down and let the other person win. My pride is also not as high as it would be if I hadn't had Lizzie there, and I am willing to apologise first, even if it wasn't my fault.

As well as that, we have had the chance to learn from each other's mistakes. Again, because we're so close in age, the mistakes we made were the same kind of thing for our age group. Boyfriend problems, school mistakes, parental issues, they were all applicable to us right at the moment they were made. Perhaps the close-to-home aspect was what made them hit the hardest.

Seeing as we've had these times together (the constant competition, the losses, the break-ups and make-ups) we're probably more likely to fair better in relationships and connect to someone on our own level with more of an open communication. We talked about everything when we were younger, and that has probably got something to do with how open we are in relationships. For who else can you share your thoughts with better than a sister? And who has known you longer than a sister?

I worry for my little brother. He's nine years younger than me, and I know from the Alex experience that much younger siblings act just like only children. He could become self-obsessed and egotistical. I see him turning more and more into my dad every day: it's not a good thing at all.

Something that Lizzie told me is that she could never again date an only child. They seem to have no way of understanding others, no way of appreciating what other people need. They are, in other words, brats and it's very difficult (if even possible) to get that out of them.

I know I'm being stereotypical here, but boys have a tendency to grow into their fathers and girls into their mothers. I would be happy to be as compassionate as my mother, as long as I didn't have to marry a man like my dad. Hayley agrees with this too, especially with regards to her brother, and I've seen it in many other places too.

I'll leave you with this thought: When I have children I will be sure to have more than one.

Goodbye My Friend

The unfortunately placed hole

It all began about a year ago, the material of my jeans had been growing thin in a rather unfortunate place and it tore just a little. I was sad at the time, and annoyed with the person who was responsible, but they were old jeans back then. I must've had them since I was around sixteen or seventeen, and at first they were my favourite. I wore them to a lot of places because of this, they had a lot of adventures with me. Understandably, with that first rip, I was upset.

I tried patching them up, I'm quite good with a needle and thread when I feel like it, and for my favourite pair of jeans I wasn't going to spare any skill. So I sewed it up and went on my merry way, thinking the problem solved. And it was, for the time being, but as the months went by, the hole gradually reappeared. Actually, several did where the other had been sewn. There was no use trying to sew them up this time, there were too many and it would show.

At this point I was still wearing them out, but only with long jumpers and coats.

Gradually though, the situation got steadily worse, until I was forced to stop wearing them if I was heading out of the house.

And now we come to today. The material is so thin and old now that whenever I walk upstairs it rips a little more. If I bring my knees up to my chin I feel the tearing in my tortured old pair of jeans.

This is the last time I'll wear them, when I take them off tonight they will go into the bin, or my material bag for reuse, but never again will I put them on and think "damn I look good in these jeans." I won't ever wander around town with Hayley or sit playing Guild Wars in them, or dry my brushes on them while I'm glass painting (bad habit I know). They won't ever have food spilled on them, or be used to dry my hands when I can't be bothered to use the hand-dryer.

I'll miss these jeans even though the spot of favourite has not been theirs since I bought the flares from Next last year. There's a lot of history in them, and it almost feels like those memories will fade without the material that I am wearing on my legs now.

Still, if I do decide to recycle them, they will have another life. It's unclear what they'll be as yet, but perhaps this isn't the last of them, maybe it's not goodbye after all.

Subconscious Indecision

For a couple of nights now I've been experiencing nightmares. In Freud's theories on dreams he describes all dreams as "wish fulfilment"  perhaps the sorting out of undetermined or unresolved issues. I've had this type of dream many times before, usually when I was struggling with misplaced feelings, and they all told me what I needed to know. But the last few nights have told me nothing. I could go either way, but one path means delving into something I thought I wanted to stay buried and, if acted upon, it could easily become detrimental to the healthy place I'm in now.

Last time I needed one of these dreams it didn't come and I became sure of what I needed to do by the absence of it. I trust my subconscious most of the time (as you can see), and acting upon the lack of a decision-making dream may seem like a strange concept, but I've always believed that I know what I want though sometimes only deep down.

Perhaps, last time, it was my heart that believed. The times before I could have been shown what it wanted, though I know from the experience that following my head would have been smarter than my heart, how ever much it would have hurt. I'm a firm believer in that too, following your heart. Something I've learned though is that your heart can lead you astray just as much as your head.

To say the least I'm a little confused with what my subconscious is after right now. I know what I would like, I know where I want to be, though not yet how to get there. All I'm hoping for at the moment is that a release from the country and cares will bring me new inspiration and a healthier outlook.

For now, though, I wish my mind would make up its... well... mind. At the moment all it's doing is leaving me feeling restless when I really do need the sleep.

My experiences tell me that the nightmares are a build up of the bad and unsettling in my life. I would love to attribute this to University work, but I know that can't be all that is plaguing me and has been for the last week or so.

The worst part is that I haven't told anyone. I know those people who I would love to tell will read this, and I know at least one will ask, but I'm not sure what to say. I don't remember much of the dreams, just the overall feeling of not knowing and wondering where to go, what to do. The real turning point is the revelation of who the main cause of these problems is, and I no more want to admit that than admit that I'm wondering what I should do, if anything.

Rambling... Again.

Hayley knocks over the bunny
 in Hawkins every time we
 go in there.

Yesterday me and Hayley were both in uni to hand in work. Afterwards we went shopping. I've been yearning for a chance to spend some quality time out with her for a while. Even though we had a sleep over last week, it's not the same as finding circumstantial conversation; if we're not out we tend to discuss harder subjects, whereas when we are out the conversation is often lighter and less mindful. I'm not saying that I dislike the hard topics, I'm just saying that a balance is needed.

Now that the last piece of work (for this semester) has been handed in, this would be a great time to focus on my FYP. Completing the word count is my aim before going back to uni at the beginning of February (though I really only have 2,000 words left to write, which isn't very much considering what I'm writing). The only issue is that I'm heading over the Malta again in a weeks time for a very special birthday. I'll be glad to get away from here again, experience some new places, spend time with Mark, and hopefully gain some inspiration because of it. 

Today, though, I'm taking some time out after the hand in yesterday. Simming and food are on the immediate menu, as well as a possible bout of Guild Wars. Another coffee may be in order too, or a pot of tea of some description. 

Among my many purchases yesterday (most of which were clothes) I bought some peppermint tea. After tasting it last night, part of me wants to make a pot and sit and drink it. I'll need to eat first, as I haven't today, and probably get dressed. First though, I'm going to finish this post.

I'm worried about what will happen with Thor when I go away. This time I'll only be gone for about five days, but next summer we're playing with the idea of me visiting for a month before he moves over here and travelling back together. I do trust my family, but I'm not sure they understand the amount of time I give to Thor now. My mum is busy most days with housework and Imogen. My dad has work, and my brother... well, let's not go there.

The other issue is that I'll miss Hayley a lot, though I know she can't come with me and, even if she could, she'd feel like a third wheel without Ash. With their plans to move in together in the late spring/early summer, I know they won't have a lot of money to spare, and will need all that they can hold onto for things like furniture. 

Anyway, that's it. Ramble over.

Later readers.

The Apocalypse and Other Stories

Recently, I've noticed a reoccurring theme sweeping the internet, the idea of the apocalypse. When I say recently I'm talking about the last few months, but with an increase in this past week. I've had at least two conversations in the last couple of days with Hayley about this, and it seems that, apparently out of no where, suddenly people think the world is ending.

Until now I had taken the idea with a bucketful of salt, I mean my dad has been sprouting ideas about the world's end for years. He places it in about eight or nine years time I believe, and all I could do was cower when it came up at dinner yesterday. Thankfully, Hayley knows how to handle parents, nodding and smiling is always good, but don't agree too passionately or you'll never get rid of them. The thing with my dad is that he places the happenings of revelation at that time.

About three months ago I stumbled upon an article proclaiming that the end of the world was coming because of the oil companies drilling in the Atlantic ocean. It stated that there is giant methane bubble under the seabed and that it would rupture, and because of the size, would wipe out the entire human race. It also stated that this would happen in the next six months.

Another of these scheduled apocalypses is the idea that the gulf is not moving as it should. This year it didn't slow down as it should when winter came. This "change" is being blamed for a number of circumstances such as the dropping of flocks of birds from the sky (which google maps has been plotting since a couple of days ago), the strange weather patterns like the flooding in Australia or the unusually early cold snap seen here in the UK this December.

Next, of course, is the idea that the earth's polarity will swap over. This has been shown to happen every so many hundreds of thousands of years, and some people think it'll be this that causes a cataclysm, though how the scientists are not really sure.

And let's not even start on this 2012 thing.

With all these apocalyptic theories flying about, I have to wonder, how many should I pay attention to, if any? Should I worry that these are my last few days on earth? Well, that's wouldn't get me anywhere. What do these people think they're accomplishing with their theories? The general public are acting as if these people are walking around with signs saying "the end is nigh" and shouting about destruction.

As far as most of us are concerned, they may as well be yelling about a giant antelope about to jump on the world with hooves made of solid silver and a horn that spouts lightning, because, to be honest, what the hell can we do about it?

The Return of Nightmares

For the past few nights I have seen at least four nightmares, all stemming from the same thought, and all containing at least two familiar faces. One of these vile dreams was particularly potent and enough to keep me from sleeping for a good hour afterwards.

Apart from the restlessness, the thought of slowly creeping up deadlines is making me more and more anxious and the fact that I have only just started on the most looming piece of work makes me nervous to the point of procrastination.

The mix of bad dreams and work deadlines is also making me feel fairly ill, most days I wake with a headache (though not a crippling one) and suffer with it for most of the day. No amount of fluid, sugar or medication seems to help, though they do vanish usually by four pm, that's not my optimum time to attempt work (that moment falling between eight am and around three pm).

In other news, the transference onto my brand new terabyte hard drive went smoothly yesterday. It took barely an hour to get it up and running with the rest of the time spent installing the small bits of software that make it feel more like home. It's lovely to have backgrounds again after so long of being inundated by the annoying "this version of windows may not be legal" pop-up message every ten or so minutes.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have my own computer; not one that someone else has installed, not one that someone else set the admin password for, and not one with bits belonging to another person. This is my own.

I'm beginning to realise just how important this year is to me. The cleanliness, the maintenance, the growing up, and taking care of things myself, my own way, playing around with my life, and freely changing the things I can see are wrong. Without this year, and these changes, I would've been a far less likeable, far less able person. I've made my own decisions, grown on my own, without a second pair of hands nearby...

In short, I've learned to help myself, and not gone running to others for support every time. I've also discovered what I know, and expanded it.

The only thing I'm left wondering now is: what's next on this road of discovery?

The Flirt

Recently I've rekindled a friendship with a guy that I assumed had died completely over two years ago. It's nice to talk to him again, to experience a little opening into what could become a friendship once again. Despite being very open and friendly with most people, and (to take Hayley's description) treating them like good friends, I don't actually keep that many friends that close. I tend to leave most people at arms-length, though I do make it clear to those who have been drawn near that they are special to me, more so that those I have only just met.

Originally I remember thinking that this guy could become one of those special people that dominate my social life. Not as near as Hayley or Mark, but near enough to warrant talking to a fair amount, if only on MSN. I thought that two years ago before we lost contact, and I was thinking that a couple of days ago when I first spoke to him.

I was surprised with myself too, I'd thought this friendship was long gone, but after a discussion with my sister about him and how he was doing (they see each other quite often and are still fairly good friends) I felt an urge to see how he was for myself. I didn't even know I was that interested until just after the new year.

But here's the catch: when I was friends with him before, we used to flirt... a lot. I'd always assumed, wrongly it seems, that our flirtation was just a jokey friend thing. I'm the first to admit that I am extremely flirty, but when doing so I do make it very clear where my heart lies. If it lies with them I tell them, if it lies with someone else I make it excruciatingly clear. I guess it's my way of telling them not to get too close, but in this instance it doesn't seem to have worked.

At the time, of course, I was in a bad place, one I saw no way out of... that's not an excuse, I know that being as flirty as I was is inexcusable, especially when he seems to have taken it so seriously, but I'm not in a bad place now, I'm in a really really good one. I have tried to get him to stop flirting with me, I have told him I feel uncomfortable, but he hasn't really stopped.

I am trying my hardest not to flirt back too, but with such a flirty personality it's difficult, especially as it's a major part of my friend making. I mean, me and Hayley are best friends, I'd say I flirt with her too, and I'm not a lesbian in any form.

The surface of this issue leaves me wondering: is it possible to be friends with an old "flame"?

In the conversations we've had over the past few days, I know, with no doubt, that the two of us are completely incompatible, we have completely different tastes, yet he seems not to see it. We would make good friends, we did before, but is there a future there for us if he won't stop flirting?

I should add that when I say flirting, I'm not referring to the harmless slightly suggestive stuff, I'm referring to a much more creepy, explicit flirting; almost lover's talk. He won't stop, so what do I do? Do I a) cut my losses and block him again, or b) try again to tell him that I don't want to talk about that with him? Perhaps I just need to be clearer...

I'm also left wondering if being a flirt is a bad thing. I always thought it worked in my advantage, I guess it's how I've learnt to become friends with men. Short of becoming one of them, I can't think of another way to actually connect with them. I'm far too in touch with my feminine side for that, and I love being so too much to change. I'm not saying they're a different species or anything, but sometimes they feel confusing. The art of making a man laugh with you is a hard one to master without the use of flirtation. Maybe, those years ago, I went too far and lured him into believing we had a chance.

I think what most women don't realise is that they pigeon-hole men too much, they're just as confusing and unique as we are. They aren't the arrogant, power-hungry, sex-driven creatures the media would often try to make us think they are. As such, it's easy for them to become attached to a certain person. I mean, they act far more nonchalant than most women, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it, they're just conditioned by society not to show it.

Back then it was lovely to feel wanted by someone, but now I don't want to be, it creates complications. Still, I know that I am to blame for this situation. I became a predator whether unwittingly or not, and now I shouldn't run away from that.

Perhaps it's time for brutal honesty.

Charms

About two years ago I started a Charm bracelet, and since I started this blog a post about it has been building in the back of my mind. Like the desk instalment posts (which I know I still need to finish (though there is more stuff now than before and my desk has moved so I'll need to remind myself where I got to)) this post will probably consist of the entrance of each charm, why I chose it, and what it means to me. So, I guess I should get started.

The Bee

The bee is a symbol of wealth and hard work in many cultures, but that's not why I chose this particular charm, the bee is on my bracelet because the first proper poem that I wrote was a rhyming one about a bee. I should also add that this was one of the last original charms added to the bracelet and as Hayley was helping me choose (and more specifically suggested this charm) it has, in some sense, become a charm representing her. It is one of the six remaining (of nine) original purchased charms I have on my bracelet. 

The Bookworm

This charm is pretty obvious of course. As a writer I also enjoy the pastime of reading and spending time doing so. The books that I write are often inspired by a particular thing, be it object or character or place, in the books I read. Most writers advice websites will tell you how important it is, to a writer's development of personal style, that they read a lot. And so I have a bookworm charm, because I need reminding of that every once in a while, and it never hurts to read more.

The Hot-Air Balloon

This is one of my particular favourites. I have always loved hot-air balloons, ever since I was very small. I remember seeing the balloons flying over our house occasionally back in the days when the Southampton balloon  festival was still running. I used to love watching them, the thought of these amazing contraptions all the way up there in the sky became a symbol of freedom to me. I've always wanted to go up in one, and stare down at the patchwork of the world. Several times in my life I've needed the freedom symbolised in those balloons, and in those moments I would dream of birds and hot-air balloons wishing to fly away from problem relationships and things that I thought were out of hand. 

The Foot

This one, again, is an obvious one. Because so much of my life is spent barefooted, and so many people seem to categorise me with this in mind, I got a foot for my bracelet. Though I don't see it as a particularly large part of my character, I do very much enjoy it. One day I will probably stop doing it outside, shoes will be needed to work and such, but the foot on my bracelet will remind me of these times when shoes were not a necessity, and I could walk all day without anyone telling me I should wear them.

The Wishing Well

This is the only charm directly linked to my writing. The wishing well has become a symbol of my first completed novel. The object of the wishing well takes a particularly large role (at least in the first draft) of being the way to travel between the Realms for mortals. Though most of the time it is accidentally triggered by them, some of them have learnt to use it to their advantage. Nicknamed "Realm Traders" by the Knathloe, these people collect wares from one Realm and take them to another to sell, earning sometimes a vast amount of money, these people often live in expensive housing, though they have a tendency to become restless if they stay in one place too long, and this quality is often what makes them become part of this group. 

The Crescent Moon

I've always enjoyed looking at the crescent moon. I guess the idea of the man in the moon is most prominent when this phase is in the sky, but it's more than that; the crescent moon seems, to me at least, far more peaceful than all other moon phases. The night helps with that of course, but in literature it is rarely used as a symbol of "evil" or the supernatural such as the full moon. The fact that you can almost imagine yourself sleeping in the bow of that butter-coloured face may also have something to do with it. 

I also love the use of crescent moons in art and am often fascinated by pictures that play with the ideas. In fact, if you've been keeping up with my daily photos you would have seen just how much I love them in art when I painted one on my glass coaster set. 

The Hedgehog

This is a recent addition to my bracelet. It represents Mark, who has been nicknamed (by me) "Qanfud" the Maltese word for hedgehog (obviously). Though he's not the first person of note mentioned with regard to symbolism on my bracelet, he is the only one (other than me of course) who has been intentionally put there. I guess the appearance of the hedgehog really does symbolise how much of a part of my life he has become. Even though we've only been together for just under six months, we do share almost everything. We're planning holidays for next year, and making plans for his move, and chatting about moving in. I fully intend for these things to happen, and the hedgehog is a reminder of just how invested in this I am. Even more striking to some will be the additional information that Alex never made it onto the bracelet in the entire four and a half years we were together.

The Butterfly

This is the flip-side of the hedgehog charm; with Qanfud meaning hedgehog in Maltese, Farfettina is the female diminutive of butterfly, and that's what this charm is about. To quote Mark all those months back "There's the delicate features, yet still able to go about bringing cheer" and I guess that's what he thinks of me. Farfettina is the nickname he gave to me just before we became a pair and has become a solid term of endearment. But if this butterfly charm is a symbol of anything it's that Mark is as invested in this relationship as I am. The butterfly reminds me that (not that I particularly need reminding), but in those dark moments, sometimes a little prod is helpful.

Faith

The word faith is also on my bracelet, you may think that this is fairly straight-forward, I mean, it's my name right? That is the first meaning of course. The second is the reason for my name and why it was chosen, to remind me how long I was waited for and what my life symbolises for my parents. The third is my faith in itself, that connection I have with God, and my own link to Christianity. And the fourth and last reason is to remind me of all those times that people poke friendly fun at my name, because the puns have made me a more ridged and stronger character. 

The Frog

The last charm on my bracelet is one of a small frog. This was originally chosen because (at the time) I had some pet frogs in my fish tank, but upon closer inspection of the idea of this charm, it shows more about how I grew up and what I liked doing as a child: 

When I was much younger, I used to explore the garden more than stay in the house (as I do now), and my favourite place in the garden to explore was the pond. This was, however, fairly forbidden, especially once I started catching frogs and newts to try and keep them as pets. This never worked as they would inevitably escape and dry up trying to find their way back to the pond (cruel I know, but I was young and didn't understand). My parents tried to explain to me that they shouldn't be kept inside, but I refused to listen, and my love of frogs, newts, and eventually toads too extended, especially when I realised that I could use our old fishtank to keep them in in the garden and no one would be any the wiser. 

To this day I have a fondness for all things aquatic and semi-aquatic and secretly harbour dreams of owning an axolotl and possibly also a tree-frog. 

Well, that's my bracelet readers, there's still room for one more charm, and that should be added at some point soon (though I'm not sure what to get). Later readers.

...But it's works.

When I was around fourteen years old I had two "long distance" relationships, both starting from consecutive summers and ending a few months later. The first was an absolute disaster, the second was really nothing more than a glorified friendship, neither with anything really physical and I felt nothing when we broke up.

Since those relationships I have assumed that long distance doesn't work. Everywhere I look I'm being told, by the media, that long distance relationships don't work, that they can never work. But as Mark and I near our six month anniversary with no indication of any trouble in the relationship, I'm starting to conclude that I was wrong.

Still Mark is one-of-a-kind. The more I look at other men the more I see it. He has, after all, blown every event that we've ever shared out of the water (in a good way): the summer of time spent in both the UK and in Malta was the best I have ever had, probably by far; the September visit over here was loads of fun too, though it boasted no particular occasion; my birthday was spent being doted upon and generally having loads of fun; and Christmas was full of festivity, even going up to London to meet his relatives was glorious and I was nervous beforehand. Where ever we end up going, what ever we do, he always brings a good time with him.

All this seems like a great relationship, but the real stuff comes when we're not doing anything in particular. It's a sad thing when a relationship is built on adventure, because by its very nature, adventure is transient. If that's all you have then it's not going to make those years, let alone decades. But I'm obviously not saying that your relationship should have no adventure, of course it should, you just need to be able to do the other stuff too. At the end of a long day you should be able to sit and do nothing, watch a dvd, prepare a meal, and just enjoy each other without hassle, and Mark and I seem to fall into that effortlessly. Most of the time I'd even say that we have that alone, not many adventures come up when you live this far apart, but we spend a huge portion of our days together despite that.

Each day we come home longing for time together, to talk, play computer games together (at the moment it's Worms Reloaded) and just generally chill out. I know that hard times will come, but when you find being together like this so effortless and natural, the hard times seem like they'll be little challenge.

Perhaps it helps that we have shared goal, a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. Come our one year anniversary it won't be that far as Malta, or even the other "long distance" relationships I've had.

I guess it also probably helps that when we entered into this relationship we knew that it'd be a year at least until we'd be living anywhere near each other for any length of time. But as the months add up, I'm stunned to see how fast the days have flown by. A year isn't that long, but when we started out it seemed like a mountain of time.

The world tells me it shouldn't... but it works.

Just Another Day

As the new year rolled in I found myself asleep. My evening was spent, not in the company of Hayley or Mark, but in my own company, with a simple glass of water and season one of How I Met Your Mother. Ironically I watched the new years episode, among the four that I sat through and it got me to thinking: what should I pledge for my new year's resolution? I still don't know the answer to that question, but then I don't really fall into the idea of setting targets as specific points in time, I'm more of a set-targets-when-the-time-is-right kind of person.

With the disappearance of Mark back to Malta, I am starting to feel lonely that, coupled with the fact that I endured a dream about Hayley telling me that I had been making empty promises, brings me to a fairly low point in the grand list of new years feelings. The one high point was the arrival of wintersday hats on Guild Wars this morning, which is one of the reasons I'm up.

I guess this is a pretty gloomy new year for me. Though I tend to see this point in the calendar as just another day, but the fact that everyone else seemed to at least be with someone else last night did make me feel a little worse for wear. Christmas was fantastic as they go, merriment and lots of snuggles were made very available, and, for the first time in years, I found myself needing to seek a break from the food and general christmasness.

Sat here now, I wonder what 2011 will bring. The end of my Uni course is on the list of certainty's as is Mark moving over here, and probably a fair few holidays, learning to drive, getting a job, beginning to save for the inevitability of moving out... so much more stuff that could happen. I'm looking forward to this year with high expectations and hopes, despite the lonely beginning. Other than that today is just another day, the first of 2011, but nothing extraordinary.

Well, I guess I'll finish this first post of 2011.
Happy new year readers.