Would You Deny Me?

It's amazing what denial of an object or dream will do to me. By this statement I mean when I express an interest in something and people tell me I can't do it or similar.

I remember when I was sixteen I told my Father that I wanted to write a novel, that I would write one, I would get the word count. His reaction? He told me he thought I lacked the willpower to succeed in that feat. It had been my dream since I was around thirteen to write, and he told me that he didn't believe in me.

I wonder what he thought would happen when I look back at that day. I remember we were in the kitchen and it must've been a Sunday, for the traditional roast was cooking. I don't know what he thought he'd gain by telling me I lacked willpower, and letting me know that he also lacked faith in me. All I do know is that as soon as he claimed I couldn't do it, my dream became solid and I strove, over the next year, to write that novel.

And I did, when I was seventeen I already had a first draft laid out, like a carpet of words. I remember the look on my dad's face when he heard that I had written a novel; and not just any novel, a novel with almost double the qualifying word count.

Looking back, my reaction to being told "you can't" has always been one of defiance, and I love that about myself. If you tell me I can, it doesn't have the opposite effect either, which only adds to it. Once I set my mind to something, I'm stubborn as a mule, with a competitive streak to boot. But if you have your own dreams for me, and I don't agree then you can kiss them goodbye.

I guess what I'm saying is that the best way to get me to do what you want is to tell me I can't, because it puts me in overdrive to show you just how much I can do it.

Good Friday

So for the first time in a while I'm at my parents for a more than a day. As with every other time here, the offer is open to attend church. Since it's Easter I thought, why not? I mean, this was my childhood teaching, and the church has recently undergone a rebuild.

I guess I somehow thought that this church must be preaching the message I have learned over all those years... but I guess that message was learned on my own, because sitting there and listening to that sermon, I couldn't even see where my own thoughts fitted in.

It was probably in the moment that the preacher said that those who didn't embrace Jesus would go to hell that I sat and stared and thought, "I no longer fit here." Because they may believe that, but saying it is where all the damn separationism starts. It makes Christianity a religion on "them" and "us".

For a religion that supposedly preaches inclusion there's an awful lot of the contrary. And when it starts in churches how are the followers supposed to think otherwise? I mean, every one of us should question our own beliefs, embrace them sure, but at least think for your damn self.

If I were to follow one man's words blindly I'd be trying to convert everyone I saw, trying to tell them that life was good and that they could be fixed. For all I know that might be true, but I have no idea what those other people have been through. No idea about their thoughts and feelings or even if they're ready for that kind of message. I think it's extremely presumptuous to tell someone what they should and shouldn't do, how they should and shouldn't live, because you can never really know how someone feels because we all have completely different perceptions of everything.

If you actually take the time to read the message of the new testament, it doesn't say anything about loving everyone except these select groups, and it sure as hell doesn't say anything about them and us. It says everyone, everyone was saved by Jesus dying, so why is there the them and us thing going on all these thousands of years later?

To be honest, sitting there in that building made me wonder how I stuck with it so long. I believe in God, and the message and stuff, but not the way they teach it.

Those who follow with their eyes shut are fools.

To A Broken Friendship

How different is friendship from love really? Sometimes when I look at the friendships I have, I feel like they are as close as love is. Certainly I feel like this with Hayley. It's a different kind of love, with only very little sexual attraction, if any at all, some would term it platonic, but I'm not sure that word holds all the meaning that friendships have.

It hurts when a friendship ends, not unlike the hurt of heartache. Some of you will think what I'm saying is bullshit, but if that's the case then you don't truly have a best friend. It's like if you find someone you click with, you form an attachment whether you want to or not, you can't help it. If it ends unexpectedly it's going to hurt. If it fades away, well not so much.

When you were younger I'm sure there was a friend who moved away, and you saw them maybe twice afterwards, and then you stopped, and the friendship ended. And then there were those friends who tossed you aside, and that hurt more, because you didn't even get the chance to try.

Forgiveness is a key part to friendships too, the meaningful ones that is, because everyone screws up once in a while. Hell! I know I have! I know Hayley has! But we're still best friends. Actually she means more to me than that, she's more like a sister than anything else, but she's closer to me than any of my siblings.

Recently, we ordered customised bracelets with both of our names on them. I think that both of us are mindful that the future from here on out is more rocky and unpredictable than when we met. It's likely she'll be moving to the US in the next few years, and I might move to Malta, depending on many factors. I might stay here, she might go, or it could be the other way around. We might both move, who knows? But I hope that nothing will ever kill our friendship.

In the bible it says that a friend is a friend always, whether you're in a fight or not. This is certainly true for me and Hayley, we've had week long fights, but neither of us has ever denounced the fact that we're friends in that time. We've never "broken up" as it were. Because both of us know that if something bad happened we would cross the world for each other just to try and help.

This is what friendship should be. It's a type of love, whether you agree with me or not, friendship is something that endures. If it ends, maybe it never was a friendship in the first place.

Revenge and Grudges

When does someone you once called a friend stop being a friend to you? Is it when they mysteriously vanish? When they become suddenly distant? When you fight over something important? Or when one of you makes a fatal mistake?

Someone in my life has raised these questions into the forefront of my mind again, and I can't help but wonder if he still sees me as a friend. I wonder if he talks about me like he's talked about other people to me. For a while he was bitching about a girl he once loved in every conversation we had. He'd bitch and bitch and bitch, telling me she was this and she was that. He'd say he didn't care, but he'd keep talking about her.

Now I wonder if the same things are being said about me behind my back. Obviously in slightly different context because he was never anything but platonic, but I wonder if this same girl (who he's started, once again, spending time with) is getting a load of bitching about me.

I wonder if that book he bought about how to get girls to like him has made him a horrible person, or if he was always one deep down. Acting soft and lovely out of thirst for revenge is something that abhors me. I don't even care if he's reading this right now, because revenge is a horrible, evil drive that will only ever lead to misery and self-disgust. Been there, done that, it's never fun.

Searching for revenge is a destructive path that erodes almost any good road in your life. Friends will see right through it, spectators will not see you as a nice person any longer. Thirst for revenge is not an attractive quality.

Yet, despite me saying this, I do miss him. Even though I know he is holding a grudge against me for some petty quarrel that I've already apologised for a thousand times. If you can't accept an apology what kind of life do you lead? One filled with grudges.

I mean, I appreciate that he's had a rough past, but so have I, so has almost everyone I know, but most of those people do not have trust issues. If your relationships fall down after one set back then how can you have a serious relationship?

Relationships cause your problems to increase tenfold. Things that wouldn't bother you in a friend bother you a million times more. Everything gets blown up and out of proportion. You can try not to let it bother you, but if you are sensitive enough to close up at the first sign of trouble, that relationship isn't going to last.

Relationships rely on solid comunication, and if that isn't happening then what the hell can the other person do to save the relationship? I've been there too, and it's not a nice place to be.

So yeah, think about that, and consider what you're going to lose from the revenge that you're striving for.

Is it really worth it?

Fish Tanks and Family

In view of Mark's family coming over next week, today I cleaned Alfus' tank. Alfus, if you didn't know, is my third and final fighting fish (his picture can be found on the "a few photos" page). I guess the main reason I was cleaning the tank was because Mark's sister also keeps fish, she's a novice in it when compared to my experience, but that doesn't mean I want her to see how much algae builds up on my fish tanks before I clean them.

I also found myself glancing at the fighting fish tag on Tumblr, which made me feel like going out and impulse buying another fish, not that I can do that in my current position. I already have two that I have to keep at my parent's. 

In other news Mark and I woke up this morning to our water not working. We still don't have a clue what happened, he went out and when he came back it was working again. Oh well, at least we didn't have to call a plumber. 

I'm actually really looking forward to Mark's family visiting, I guess maybe because we'll be doing things with them, eating and such. I haven't seen them for a while, so I guess that's probably why.

I also found a short cut to doing my sweet title in Guild Wars: I set up a macro to loop which basically presses skill one (Blood is Power) and then double clicks five seconds later. It's pretty nifty, I just put it on and leave it running with my mouse hovering over the sweets I want it to use. 

Nice huh?

Well, that's it for now, later guys.

Redundancy

So yeah, I got made redundant. They said it was because of the lack of work in the office, mainly because they overcompensated and decided that the incoming calls would be a flood. By the middle of that day they had decided I wasn't needed.

Unfortunately I was the obvious choice because I wasn't close to the bosses and the other guy that they hired was on an apprenticeship so didn't need paying as much. It completely sucked to be taken into the office and told I wasn't needed, but at least they said they'd give me a good reference.

What is worse is that I was actually really enjoying the office environment. I liked the people, loved chatting with them. On the flip side, it's not something I wanted to do for long, so I probably would've been gone anyway at some point soon.

The most annoying thing will be the lack of paycheck, it would've made a huge difference even for just one month. Oh well.

In other news I do at least have enough money to go and get some new clothes, which I've needed for a while, so that's good.

On my list of good things happening soon, I guess the first would be that this weekend is the Canthan new year festival in Guild Wars. I'm looking forward to the mini.

To the paycheck and back

So I guess my life now revolves around work pretty-much. When I get home I just feel like snuggling up and watching stuff on my laptop, not a particularly bad thing, I'll admit, but still.

Most of my outside thought from work involves the future and what I'll get with my first paycheck (I know, sad right? I mean, I'm not even a month in, and the paycheck won't come through until the end of February). I guess it's a big thing for me though, I mean I've never really had earned money before, and never so much of it. It's like I'll suddenly be able to afford stuff, basically everything I want at this point in my life, and that's huge for me.

Other than that I'm looking forward to this weekend, it's Canthan new year on Guild Wars (I know sad right?) and on Sunday I'm going out again, this time to Gosport.

It's almost 8pm and I'm not even hungry, I guess I ate late this afternoon where lunch was concerned, we were doing work stuff basically non-stop until 3pm.

And then there's Angelfish, a project I'm working on, I've started reading the bits out loud, recording them, and posting those on the site as well. I have to record tomorrows, but am currently lacking motivation. Still, it needs to be done. The writing on that has died out too, I find myself much less motivated to do most things. I could blame it on work, but that's not the whole story.

In two weeks time Mark's family are over here to visit too, so I have to be more awake and less hungry for bed. Oh well, I'll get there.

When suddenly... TECH SUPPORT!

So yeah, I got that job by the way. They called back like two days after expected, and I went in on the Thursday.

The best thing I've found so far is being surrounded by technically savvy people, it's a breath of fresh air, and I've missed being so surrounded by geekiness that I'm being osmosisly educated. I mean, Mark is geeky in certain ways, but these guys are surrounded by it too, so it's in all the conversations.

There is also near to no hostility in the office. All of them welcomed me, shaking hands, chatting, making fun, it's all in a day's work, and I love that. The atmosphere is certainly one that I'd be happy to live in for, probably, a long time.

There's only one thing left I guess, to talk about, and that's the customers. I've only done one call so far, they wanted to get me used to the software, the ticket system, the way that people are dealt with. I've been told over and over that if I don't know something I am to put the customer on hold and ask, so that's all okay.

The customer I dealt with was on customer services, and he was a bit annoyed with our service so kind of difficult. I was told I handled it okay, not the best, but considering it was my first call it was fine. Now that I've done a fairly difficult one I'm actually not so jittery about talking to other people, all I need to do is learn the diagnosis stuff and I'll be good to go, which is a good thing because I have to be ready by Wednesday latest to be on phones and doing technical support.

I've also learned that half of the job is blagging that you are confident, which is something I'm actually good at, especially when they can't see my face. The thing I guess I'm most worried about now is if they're too close to the phone, because I don't want to have to ask them to repeat themselves.

I also plan to take something to keep my hands busy while I'm on the phone because I really do tend to pick random stuff up and play with it. At home it's Ash's cuff link that, for some unknown reason, is on his desk... don't ask me.

Anyway, now I'm looking forward to today and tomorrow off, and some revision of the technical stuff, and good company. Perhaps even some writing.

Is a little perfection too much to ask?

One of the things I hate is empty promises, even when people don't promise, saying they'll do something and then not, it makes me annoyed, pisses me off.

I pride myself in being patient, and most the time I am, but when people say:  "I will do X on X date." And that date rolls around and nothing happens, I get annoyed. I guess it stems from my organisation, I like to be able to plan things: What I'll do, where I'll go, or who I'll see. When I plan around something that someone has said will happen; say, clear a day, I get annoyed because I have to put things on hold.

I guess in a sense I am a perfectionist, I don't like missing deadlines myself, and if I say I'll do something I usually do. By no means am I suggesting that I'm infallible, but when I forget about something and then remember it later, I tend to apologise profusely.

Mark is the same way, and I guess that's why we go well together. If we say we'll do something we do it, and that's that. We keep things clean because we are clean people, and if things are out of place we both get annoyed.

When our broadband was meant to be installed and the supplier called us to change the date, we were both annoyed. We'd planned to spend that day at home, and had to now make sure we were around for another date as well.

It's not as if we're busy people, or even people who had plans on said day, but neither of us like the feeling that we're caged in any way.

Last Friday I had an interview, in which the person conducting it told me they'd call me on Monday to tell me whether I got the job. Monday was yesterday, and there was no call. For the last 48 hours I've been glued to my mobile phone, something that I wouldn't normally do. I've been gaming with one ear outside of my headphones so that I don't miss the call.

I was worried about that call yesterday, wondering what the outcome would be, but today I'm just annoyed that the call hasn't happened yet. It's as if the company doesn't care about potential employees. If this was a permanent job I would consider declining if they offer the job. But as it's just a temp position (and, let's face it, I need the money and experience) I will probably take it anyway.

The only thing I can hold them accountable for at the moment is not being organised, though admittedly this does annoy me.

In the meantime, though, I will continue looking for work, maybe do some freelance writing on the side. It's about time this writer showed her colours to potential employers of a different nature.

Just Mindless Rambling

So today I had an interview. It went quite well, I'm actually pretty pleased, whether I get the job or not, it was good practice. I find out on Monday if I'm in.

Recently, I've been ill, my throat has been pretty clogged up with gunk whenever I've woken up, but clears up as the day goes on until I feel achy in the evening. Last night was the worst, every time I coughed or laughed my whole face and neck was racked with pain; annoying, to say the least, when you're on voice chat with a load of people who make you laugh at least twice in a minute.

Meanwhile, this weekend looks to be a pretty normal one. Probably some writing, definitely some gaming, some reading too. And tomorrow the fifth section of Angelfish goes up, but I still have to edit it and proofread. I guess that's happening tonight, hopefully when Austin gets back he can give me some feedback.

Next Friday is also Mark's birthday, he'll be 27 and since his birthday is the 27th it's considered a big one: after all, it only happens once in a lifetime. I have no idea what I'm going to get him, or whether I will be able to get him anything, because if I don't have a job I don't have the money.

Anyway, I guess this is just a ramble about my life at the moment. Pretty boring, I know. So excuse this mindless patter of footsteps on my brain.

See you guys some time next week I guess.

From the Depths of the Past

Have you ever had a friend who moved away when you were young? I have, I was around 13 I guess, when she went away. We were probably best friends at the time, though I didn't realise it until afterwards.

Since then a lot of things have happened. Relationships, friendships, academia, discovery, journeys, travel, love, life. There are ten years in which we didn't even speak once. We didn't write, we didn't email. I didn't even know how to find her. I only thought about her occasionally, check facebook to see if she'd made an account, look for links between us.

It was yesterday that I found something. She was friends with people I've known my whole life on facebook. She's been added by them, trying to reconnect I guess. Half the people both of us know are no longer on my friend list, and the other half I never talk to anymore.

When I found her yesterday all I could do was sit and stare at her picture. Her face has hardly changed. Should I add her? I thought, after all I'd been periodically searching for her out of curiosity for so long. Would me adding her ruin the feeling that I had known her, would it ruin the idea I had of her?

I threw caution to the wind and added her. She was online, something I hadn't anticipated at all. I thought that she wouldn't accept the friend request for at least a day but I was wrong.

For a moment I wondered what to say. And then I typed "hi".

We asked how each other were. Small talked mostly. Got to know about each other's relationship statuses, our families, how we were doing, what we'd done since we last spoke. And then the conversation turned to what we had done when we were little, and I suddenly found the person who I knew and the awkwardness was gone.

Underneath it all, do we ever really change from who we are when we're kids? Maybe we do a little, but I'm still essentially the same, I've just learned to act with social finesse.

Maybe that's all the years do after all.

Excuse Me For Writing.

I wish I'd never opened a conversation with Mark's sister, it's left me feeling like she's passive-agressively telling me to get a job.


It's not like I haven't been looking or anything, but she doesn't really appreciate how many writing jobs there aren't in the UK. Most of them are around London. That's an hour and a half commute, but when they've specifically asked for someone close, well that's not extremely promising, especially when you don't have the money to move anywhere (let alone to London).


I've also been trying retail jobs but most of them are for manager and that's something I don't have experience for. There are also hundreds of applicants for each job. I am trying, but with no experience it's a hard process.


I also feel like she thinks my writing is a waste of time... 


She says that it's what pays that matters, but if that was all that mattered to me I would've married for money and be living life on a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean, sipping champagne from a glass made of diamond. 


This is the thing though, non-artists don't get that when you're a writer there is no choice but to write. They don't understand that I get an urge that will drive me insane if I suppress it. They aren't aware that it's possible to wake at 3am and need to write for three hours solid before you can even contemplate sleep again. 


Maybe, in my future, writing will pay. But I don't care if it does or doesn't: writing makes me happy and that's what matters to me. It makes me feel like I'm worth something even if I'm not earning at the moment. 
Also, it keeps my optimism at a level that will greatly benefit me in interviews and gives me something to say when they ask me "What have you been doing while you've been looking for a job?" because interviewers these days want to know what drives you.


Writing is an art. It may not pay, but it makes me happy, and that's something you can't buy.


So excuse me for taking a break to do something I love. Excuse me for being born a writer. Excuse me for not being career driven...

A Life Measured In Word Count

Current Word Count for my Novel in Blog Posts.

I feel like my life is suddenly measured in words. I guess it comes from writing so damn much in the last few weeks.

Every morning I wake bursting with inspiration that has to get out. It can be annoying to some I guess, but I personally find it invigorating to be back here after so many years. I had a similar thing happen to me when I was writing in my gap year. I wrote around 50,000 words in about a month. After that ended I didn't think I'd ever be there again, yet here I am.

In other news, finding a job is freaking hard. I've done a tonne of things, looked in all kinds of places, but there just doesn't seem to be anything on offer. Looking makes me depressed too. All I have to do is look for an hour and I'm grouchy the entire day, it sucks. This doesn't mean I'm not looking, I am, but looking and finding are two very different things.

Other than that I'm keeping up with all the blogs in the side bar as well as I can. I keep finding more reasons to make them.

In other news, while we were away in Malta for Christmas and the New Year, somehow our housemate managed to get his shower to overflow. Not only this but, when it got on the carpet he didn't clean it up properly. Now the carpet in his room stinks.

When I say stinks I mean full scale: can't even open the door kind of stinks. I have to wonder how he lives in there, sleeps in there, and even subjects his girlfriend to it. Jeez, does the guy have no self-esteem?

Overall though, life is pretty nice at the moment. I may not be earning, but I am enjoying writing.

10 Things I Have Learned in 2011

Seeing as I did this last year (though in Febuary) I thought I would do it again. Seeing as the new year has only just happened I feel like this is the right time and that last year was a bit late as timing went. Okay, so let's start.

1. I would actually consider living in Malta.
Pretty straight forward really. The lifestyle over there is a bit different of course, and sometimes the country freaks out when it rains (they flood easily so no surprise). And it gets hot in the summer, you really do need the air conditioning. But I like it, and there are perks like lack of counsel tax and lack of tv licensing, and they don't condemn their university students to debt. Their housing isn't too bad either, and their beaches are fabulous.

2. That Tumblr is a lot of Fun!
Again pretty straight forward. I have a fair few blogs on there and am even considering starting a collaborative one but I need a subject first. I've also made a lot of friends and a lot of new guild mates too!

3. I Should've Started a Guild Long Ago.
Seriously, I actually make a really good guild leader and I enjoy it. I've had people tell me they think my guild is the best they've been in. I guess it's the structure but also laid back attitude. I should've started a guild as soon as I had the inkling, although now that I have a certain amount of tumblr followers on my monk blog, I also have people who joined.

4. I Enjoy Baking.
This discovery mainly came from moving out and being the only person in the place with the time and will to bake anything. My best so far has been carrot cake muffins, which I'm told a glorious. It's true of course, they are amazing.

5. I Love Collecting.
For some reason, I always thought collecting wasn't really my thing. I guess I just wasn't collecting the right things. I mean I already had an extensive collection of books, but I didn't really count that, I mean I'm a writer, and that makes reading part of my personality. Now, though, I collect swarovski figurines and elephants and generally anything that I find pretty. All that's left is finding somewhere to display them.

6. I Work Better With Limited Time.
When I finished Uni my want to work died completely. I had no deadlines, no commitments, and suddenly no will to do anything. But going on holiday and having to spend time with people, spend time out, and having to do it when I least wanted to, put my want to write into overdrive. I was thinking about writing when I was out, and when I got home it was exactly what I did, I did actually write. When my time is taken up by other things I work better in the lulls. It's that simple.

7. I'm Looking Forward To Guild Wars 2
It sounds strange to say it, but before I played the demo I wasn't all that enthused about it. With the demolition of the monk came the dislike for me of the idea of playing without one. Now, however, I really want to try being a Charr Guardian. I'm not sure exactly why, but it seems like me.

8. Living With Ash Was Not A Good Idea.
The less said about this the better.

9. Happiness is About How You Look at The World.
Its sounds kind of obvious, but I feel like I learn it anew each year. I look at the world with an optimistic view, and I find that I am happy most of the time and rarely feel down at all.

10. Long Distance Relationships Can Work.
I guess mine and Mark's relationship is living proof of that. We have recently basically moved in together, and we're very happy. I guess being in different countries can't stop love from blossoming.

So that's it for this new year post. Have fun everyone :)

Long Time huh?

So it's been a long time since I posted last. I'm not really sure why either. I guess I could say that Tumblr took over, which would be true: I'm now the owner of four blogs on there. Two about Guild Wars (one is specifically my guild (oh yeah I started a guild weird huh?)), one is personal and one is a sort of writing project...

So yeah, I recently started writing again. It was just before Christmas actually. This year me and Mark were in Malta visiting his family, and he was doing work for his masters a lot so I had more free time than I wanted, and (for once) I didn't feel like Guild Wars. So I started writing. There was a story there, and it had been building for a while, it must've been for the rush the first part came out in. Now I'm playing with the lives of characters again.

I have to say, I am really enjoying it again; probably for the first time since I was at uni really. I don't have any deadlines except those I set myself, and I don't have any specification for where it could go.

Other than that I've generally been taking time out, causally looking for work (probably more casually than I should have been really). Now, though, I plan to step up that effort. I realised over Christmas that I really dislike not earning money and not being able to look at something I want in a shop and think "I could buy that" because I can't.

Last time I blogged was actually in August, and since then I have done almost nothing. In my blog description it says I have a hunger for life. Well now I'm wondering, where did that go? I mean I am happy, it's true, but there's purpose missing too. I need to find that again because at the moment it's not like I'm working towards anything really, and I should be because I feel restless.

So I need a job. No! I want a job. And I want to work and to get up knowing I am needed somewhere, and to be so pushed for time that I long to write so that I do write. I want to be able to afford to live.

This is what I want, and this is what I will get, and nothing will stop me.