Revenge and Grudges

When does someone you once called a friend stop being a friend to you? Is it when they mysteriously vanish? When they become suddenly distant? When you fight over something important? Or when one of you makes a fatal mistake?

Someone in my life has raised these questions into the forefront of my mind again, and I can't help but wonder if he still sees me as a friend. I wonder if he talks about me like he's talked about other people to me. For a while he was bitching about a girl he once loved in every conversation we had. He'd bitch and bitch and bitch, telling me she was this and she was that. He'd say he didn't care, but he'd keep talking about her.

Now I wonder if the same things are being said about me behind my back. Obviously in slightly different context because he was never anything but platonic, but I wonder if this same girl (who he's started, once again, spending time with) is getting a load of bitching about me.

I wonder if that book he bought about how to get girls to like him has made him a horrible person, or if he was always one deep down. Acting soft and lovely out of thirst for revenge is something that abhors me. I don't even care if he's reading this right now, because revenge is a horrible, evil drive that will only ever lead to misery and self-disgust. Been there, done that, it's never fun.

Searching for revenge is a destructive path that erodes almost any good road in your life. Friends will see right through it, spectators will not see you as a nice person any longer. Thirst for revenge is not an attractive quality.

Yet, despite me saying this, I do miss him. Even though I know he is holding a grudge against me for some petty quarrel that I've already apologised for a thousand times. If you can't accept an apology what kind of life do you lead? One filled with grudges.

I mean, I appreciate that he's had a rough past, but so have I, so has almost everyone I know, but most of those people do not have trust issues. If your relationships fall down after one set back then how can you have a serious relationship?

Relationships cause your problems to increase tenfold. Things that wouldn't bother you in a friend bother you a million times more. Everything gets blown up and out of proportion. You can try not to let it bother you, but if you are sensitive enough to close up at the first sign of trouble, that relationship isn't going to last.

Relationships rely on solid comunication, and if that isn't happening then what the hell can the other person do to save the relationship? I've been there too, and it's not a nice place to be.

So yeah, think about that, and consider what you're going to lose from the revenge that you're striving for.

Is it really worth it?