The Beginning

The beginning of a new story, though an exciting time, is also a crucial one. With the first line you hook the reader's attention, you touch the reader, tickle their curiosity. If the first line of your story hits the reader in a way that intrigues them, the chance of them buying the book greatly improves. No one I know buys books purely for the blurb anymore; I know I'm more likely to read the first page to see if it is opened well enough to make me want to read on, and if it is? Well, I search for it on amazon.

At the moment, as you may know, I am supposed to be writing my FYP or beginning to. The beginning has already been written, it's true, and along with it, about an eighth of my word count. But I still feel as if I am too unstructured to write more at the moment, yet I lack the motivation to do anything to resolve that. I do want to work on it, I'd just rather sit here and do nothing for a little while longer. And then, of course, the day is gone before I know that's happened.

About two years ago I hit a peak in my writing, and since then I've been pretty-much blocked. I hope I get unblocked soon. I do, naturally, secretly fear that serious writing is now beyond my ability. I loved it, and I do still, and I don't know where I'd go without it.

For some time I have been sitting here staring at a blank page. I've wanted to write for months, but have suppressed it to try and get it to build. I feel the words pushing, trying to get free, the meanings behind ideas squirming with anticipation, but nothing comes when I stare at the paper. The blank page is truly the most deadly thing for a writer. I'm sat listening to Einaudi in the hope that it'll inspire me, but all I feel right now is bottled up emotions and lonely lingering characters forming in the corners of my vision.

It's frustrating.

Lazy Days

With the holidays slowly but surely drawing to a close, my mind turns to uni and the year to come. I am thankful for many things and people at the moment; I got all my first choice modules for uni this year, I have almost nothing to do in preparation for going to uni, I'm warm and comfy, living in a bearable climate, have a loving partner (not to mention the other people around me who care) and probably best of all, I have another visit from Mark coming up just before I go back to uni.

I'm looking forward to this visit very much, and though it'll only be a very short one, I am having trouble enjoying things as they are in favour of looking forward to the future. My eyes are on this small trip mainly because we're (hopefully) planning on visiting the zoo when Mark's over, with Hayley and Ash. I can only imagine the boyish display of happiness that I'll get from Mark as we wander around and look at the animals. However, that isn't all I'm looking forward to with this visit; the warmth of his body is another thing, and the way we care for each other. At the moment all we lack is physical contact, but that's a big thing when you have to go without it. I will, without a doubt, love sharing his company, his warmth, and many other things with him.

Recently I have been playing Guild Wars a lot during the day and have finally decided to level up my Dervish. With a slightly rocky start I started slashing my scythe about only to discover that I actually really enjoyed it. Frontlining is something I have never really tried, nor got into, I tend to be a bit of a Leroy. But in these last few days I have seen myself improve, perhaps not as quickly as I did with the Monk, but fairly well. I find it refreshing to beat things up visibly instead of standing at the back enabling others to do so. The last task (and it's a big one) is to make myself monkable in hard mode by being aware of what's going on. As with every profession, position is key, and even more so than Monks, one step too far in any direction and I could aggro more than the team can handle. Still, I'm progressing well for my own liking, and enjoying it every step of the way, the challenging new builds and completely different style of play are just what I need to make the game feel as fresh and new as it did when I first started.

My last note is about Hayley, because she flies up to Edinburgh with Ash soon. She's really excited, and rightly so I think. Spending time with someone you love is something to be excited about. I can't deny that I will miss her a lot, but I know she needs it. She's needed a holiday away from her family for as long as I've known her, but those sleep overs that we have just don't cut it. Hopefully this trip of hers will do the trick, or at least work towards it.

As I know she'll probably stop by, I'll say: Have a great time Hayley :D
That's it dear readers.

Autumn

I'm feeling very Autumnal at the moment, it could be the impending new academic year for most, or the drastic change in climate from Malta to the "gloomy" UK, but I find myself wondering when the leaves will start to change and fall. I am starting to long for the blustery wet days that usually accompany this, and being able to wear my leather trench coat to uni, needing to. I also can't wait to do the barefoot walks to uni once again, those crunchy leaves! Oh! How inviting to the feet! It's one of the weirdest feelings in the world, to have a leaf crumble beneath you, and I'm looking forward to experiencing it again.

And then with the coming winter; there's my birthday, colder days, so cold you have to keep moving, and frost, perhaps a little snow too, here and there. Most of all I'm looking forward to winter because of Christmas. This year Mark is set to share Christmas at my house, and to say I'm looking forward to that would be a gross understatement, though much must be done before then; my first semester for this year should be completed by then. To say the least, it'll be a rush nearing the time, but I'm still looking forward to it with high expectations.

In other news, I've started dreaming about baby's. Though I've only been with Mark for a very short time, my body and subconscious mind seem to have been scheming and decided that now I'm in a relationship that's good for me, I should have a child. Well, here's some news for you scheming body parts: I'm not ready to have kids yet!

Since my return from Malta there has been a new addition (well several really) to my desk. It was a present from my lovely Mark, and something I had my eye on that he knew about. A blue, black and clear glass elephant from Mdina glass over there. It's so beautiful, I catch myself idly staring at it. The fact that it also looks like it's yawning makes me fall even more in love with it.

Lizzie was away last night, so I was all alone in the house. I have to say, this didn't make a huge difference from norm, I mean, it's not like I ventured out of my room more than to make food. I didn't even really notice the absence.

A momentous occasion also happened last night. Hayley, Mark and I met Sean on skype for the first time. It was fun because he felt no harm in poking fun at people, especially me because I was kinda failing to monk (but having fun) and slagging off the warriors who were actually terrible. Hopefully he enjoyed it and will be on again soon when we're all about and doing something fun. He also didn't confuse Hayley and me, so that was good.

Anyway, it's breakfast time, enjoy your days dear readers.

Sleepy

So, after last night's invasion of the Hayley, I'm feeling quite tired. Of course, I'm not saying the tiredness isn't worth it, because nights in Hayley's company are worth that and oh so much more. After a collection of good films and a lot of talking, I finally set myself to sleeping at around 2am.

Really, it's my own fault that I'm tired; getting out of bed at around half past 6 was probably not the best decision I've ever made, though the company of Mark as I sat and watched the early morning news more and compensated at the time. This afternoon though, almost as soon as Hayley left the house, I felt my bed calling me up to it to lay my head down and snooze. I did this willingly, having needed the sleep for a long time. After chatting to Mark for a bit I fell quickly to sleep in the arms of my duvet.

Waking was harder than I would've liked, I would have been quite happy with just laying in bed and snoozing for the entire night. However, my stomach had other ideas. The curry that was consumed by me and made by Kris (one of Lizzie's friends who's invaded our house and made all three of us curry tonight) was delicious and certainly filled the gap that had been complaining for the half hour before.

As a result of only getting four hours sleep last night and then perhaps two this afternoon, and the addition of a full stomach, my sleepiness has returned and I am starting to long to lay down and sleep. The back of my eyes are starting to hurt too. But there are things I want to do beforehand, so the sleep will just have to wait.

One of these things is finishing this post, which I seem to have just achieved.
Sleep well readers.

Absences

At the moment my parents and little brother are on holiday with the caravan leaving Lizzie and me alone in the house. The fact that there is almost nothing to eat in the fridge is annoying though, of course, both of us can cook (to a certain extent) and there is a lot in the freezer, it's almost as though a horn of plenty exploded in there or something. Still, last night I was thoroughly annoyed at the lack of anything vegetable in the fridge, all I managed to find were tomatoes (we're overrun with them) potatoes and onions. I did have enough skill to whip something up involving those three and some pasta, but seriously, I can't eat pasta every day.

Another of the absences in my life at the moment is, of course, Mark. Though he's contactable at any time and we spend a ridiculous amount of time talking to each other on the web, he's not here. Still, apparently there are twenty-four days until his next visit, that's what? Three weeks? But the days already drag compared to when I was in Malta. He is probably the absence I feel the most at the moment. How does one go from being constantly in the other's arms to not having any physical contact?

In other news, one of my fish seems to have vanished while I was away. The last remaining guppy Magikarp, is no longer there it seems and now all I have left is the same fish that were in the biorb and the loaches I bought for the guppy tank.

Today another of the absences that I have been feeling, more and more lately, gets filled. Hayley is due to alight on my doorstep, and we have the whole house to ourselves because Lizzie is set to go out. I would say we could have a party, but with just me and Hayley we'd probably be better off watching the Rom Coms! :D

The sun is also no longer present in my life (at least for the moment) but that's a good absence, especially after at least three weeks of solid sun. The rain and wind are a welcome change to say the least.

Anyway, that's it for now, have fun.

Returning

Yes dear readers, I am once again, in the rainy realm of the UK (not that it's particularly rainy at the moment). The trip back on the aeroplane was fairly normal, though I did spend most of it missing Mark and reading The Time Traveler's Wife which I have now actually finished, quite poetically since I began reading it at the airport on the way to Malta. It's a good book, a very good book, thank you Hayley for poking me with it.

Sleep should come naturally tonight, especially considering the cool breeze that is currently caressing my shoulder. The air in the UK is very refreshing after so many long days of hot sun and muggy nights. Sweating was the worst thing about it; all you had to do was stand outside in the sun for more than two minutes (sometimes less) and you'd be sweating. (Ha! You really can tell I'm British, I'm complaining about the weather). Despite my loath of the heat out there, I would say that my visit to Malta was by far the best holiday I've ever had, better than all those with family, and far far better than last year's trip to France.

My main job for tomorrow, of course, is settling back in. I need to sort a few things out before the Thursday as Hayley visits on that day. I need to do a lot of things in the coming month too. I would like to get a substantial amount of the planning for my FYP done too; character studies, plot outlines, and probably a lot more research on certain subjects. I need to read more too, especially around certain bits of the fantasy elements I have chosen to use. All in all, if I can gain the willpower to use this next month constructively I can go back to uni confident that the first meeting with my FYP tutor will go well and that my work will speak for itself in depth and effort. Still, there is a long way to go before I can actually get to that stage.

My FYP is not helped by the fact that I have still got little or no willpower to write. Perhaps my missing Mark can fuel it, but perhaps it will just push me further into the other escapism I'm used to: Guild Wars. It's true that I'd like a pair of Chaos Gloves on my Monk. She has, after all, become my main character in the game, and it seems only fair that I should work as much towards kitting her out with awesomeness as I did with Maive when she was my main.

As well as returning to the UK, to Uni work, and to Guild Wars, I have also returned to my wonderful cuddly duvet. And, since it is getting late, and my Mark is already so deeply asleep, I will bid you goodnight. I have sat silent in the quiet of night long enough and felt his lips cover me in kisses for perhaps a little too long.

Sleep well my dear readers.

The Nightmare

When I'm stressed I get a reoccurring dream about a tsunami and usually lose those I care about in the process. Last time I lost Hayley and couldn't find her, even after the wave had hit. Understandably I hate these dreams and, when I get stressed, begin to dread the return of them.

The first one was when I was around nine I think, the wave in this one was spied by me from a beach and we all ran to the car (me, dad, mum and lizzie) and got in and raced home. Our windows and doors were airtight (for some reason) and we shut them all up and waited. The wave hit, and we found that it had dragged half the seabed with it so we had to climb out of mine and lizzie's bedroom window. There was sand everywhere, and half buried caravans. I remember seeing people from my church who were wandering around.

I can't swim, I've never learned and I don't have any wish to. I know I could if I wanted to, but after being told by everyone new that I meet that they will teach me, I'm getting slightly sick of it. However, I'm not scared of the sea, not at all, but last night was strange. Mark and I went to watch the sunset and we were high up on the cliffs, the perfect view, but as the sun descended it vanished into the haze. Mark said he thought it was because of the humidity (which is probably true) but I couldn't help it, suddenly my mind was full of giant waves that would obscure the sun. All I could think about for the next twenty minutes was how to check for tsunami signs.

I know, dear readers, that it makes no sense. A tsunami in the Mediterranean? You must be joking. But I guess that's what irrational fear is, completely and utterly irrational. I was fine once I knew we were heading back to the car, but before that I felt almost panicky.

Still, there was no tsunami wave, nothing to fear, and here I am, sat in bed blogging once again. Hopefully the next nightmare will be a long time coming.

Later readers.

Sweetness

As my trip to Malta draws near it's end I'm beginning to feel the ache to remain here. I could say with honesty that I have been accepted here. Even though the people I've met besides Mark tend to default to Maltese, I've actually started to feel at home, more so than I did in Alex's house in all the four and a half years I was with him.

The kindness and hospitality that has been shown to me seem to be akin to the kind that Mark, himself, shows me (though of course they are not exactly the same). I know I will miss it here very much when I return to the UK, and though I wholeheartedly plan to visit again, I'm not sure when that will be. This, more than anything else pains me somewhat, because I know that it probably won't be before next January at the very earliest.

Of course, the absence that Mark and I will spend from each other will not be that long, there are already rough plans for his next visit to the UK floating about, and the Internet will enable us to keep in major contact every day. Still, I can't help thinking that some of the new-found sweetness will vanish from my life when I board that plane. In the past two months I have spent thirty-two days in Mark's constant company, and have grown accustomed to having him around, to be able to touch him and hold him and speak to him with more than just words; the majority of that will vanish when we are parted.

Still, in my time here we've shared a lot of incredible days and nights together, memories like these will fade slowly.

On a much lighter note, in the past three hours Mark and I have shared three various sweet desserts (as way of lunch): Bacio cake, Almond Chocolate Fudge cake, and Lemon mousse, not to mention the two sorbets (lemon and orange) we devoured in a small cafe in Valetta. The temperature outside hit thirty-eight degrees this afternoon, but the air conditioning in the cafe was godlike, and we spent a lovely lunchtime just eating sweet deliciousness and talking. This of all memories will linger, just as the taste of the lemon mousse lingers on my tongue.

As much as I shall miss Malta, and my dear Mark, I will also be glad to be back in the, currently drenched, UK. I miss the green, the feel of rain, the sounds and smells and the fresh breezes. I doubt I shall ever again complain that it's too hot there. I also, of course, miss my darling Hayley, and look forward to next Thursday when she shall again adorn my house with her exquisite presence.

This may well be the last post I write while on the sunny isle of Malta.

Enjoy the sweetness my dear readers.

Horrah For A/C

So the last few days in Malta have been unbearably hot, ironically Mark actually seems to be suffering from it more than me. I'm starting to see why he wants to move to the UK soon. The only saving grace is the air conditioning in both his house and car. We went shopping yesterday and most of the shops were also air conditioned, but the sudden change in temperature, though kind of refreshing, also increased my, already looming, headache.

Despite the heat, we did actually manage to get most of the shopping done with Mark following me through different shops looking at clothes, suggesting things and such. I think he even enjoyed getting sneak peeks at the clothes as I tried them on. The quest for flip flops (which I needed since mine broke and it's too hot to walk barefoot) was successful and I finally had shoes to wear with my skirt. I wore the skirt last night when we went to a wine bar to meet with Mark's friends; though it was mainly just me talking to him because the rest of them were speaking in Maltese.

As I write now there is air conditioning blowing into the room, and it feels pleasantly cool compared to the other rooms. We're trying to find a way of farming CoF once again, which should be fun, I mean, the market for Rin Relics and Diassa Chalices is non-existent at the moment, and anything we can do to get them will come as a welcome relief. I'm also looking forward to the fact that it's one more thing that Mark and I can share as a couple; which, when I'm back in the UK, will probably be one of the best lifelines for our relationship.

I'm not sure how soon (if at all) we'll be heading out today, a part of me wants to go and explore but a part of me would also like to have a lazy day, breaking away from the heat as much as possible in favour of chatting and spending time together.

My ache for Hayley's company is becoming stronger by the day and the fact that she never seems to be on MSN when I am is not helping one bit. I wish, in some ways, that I could skype with her, but I know that it wouldn't be ideal and that I should really be trying to appreciate the time I have left in Mark's company, there will be plenty of time for Hayley when I get back to the UK (of course, that doesn't stop me missing her).

Anyway, as a closing note let's just be thankful for the invention of A/C and the ability to be naked.

Later readers.

Crocodiles

Being on such a small island as Malta brings about not only a lot of seafood and a vast amount of sea, but also beaches and everything that comes with them. Ice cream stalls are everywhere, and they are of course accompanied by similar places but for hire of deck chairs, parasols, and of course, the purchase of inflatables.

I've always wanted an inflatable crocodile, since as far back as I can remember being taken to the beach (I can only have been about 5 at the time), and this year, my 22nd year, it seems I have finally found myself getting one. Mark had a hand in this too, and I feel I should mention this (as he's the one who bought him for me), he loves Frankie (the croc) as much as I do.

Frankie, through the two trips to the sea he's been on, has gained a personality. He loves fish (especially grilled with olive and tomato sauce), and joking about eating humans for lunch (especially Mark), he hates having sand put on his snout, but loves putting his head underwater, he can be a bit of a perv at times and enjoys me riding on his back more than Mark, he also enjoys riding the waves that are brought along by slightly choppier seas. We've decided that he possibly has a bit of a crush on me, and so is a bit jealous of Mark, but the only way he shows it is through asking Mark if he is, in fact, Lunch with a capital "L".

In all our frolicking at the seaside we have found out much about Frankie, but also talked volumes about ourselves and each other. The connection between Mark and I grows stronger every time we talk, and I can honestly say that this trip was a bloody good idea.

There is a darker side to all of this fun and games though; I am beginning to miss home. Not so much my family, but the people who are dearest to me, I guess I could term them my adopted family and at the top of that list there is, of course, Hayley. I miss her incredibly, and whenever I think about her I long for some girl time with her and her alone. I can't wait until I get back and (hopefully) all her essays are handed in and she has time to spend with me. I feel like a proper girly night is in order, one with popcorn, ice cream, rom coms and all the girly trimmings. I also can't wait to plow through the masses of photos that have been taken from this trip to Malta (showing them all to her) and telling her the many instances in which they were taken.

I'm also thinking of taking up starcraft 2 when I get back, and looking forward to the possibility of a new game, a new experience, and perhaps the chance to get to know some of those people, who I have met in person this trip, a little better.

Anyway, have fun my readers.

Epitome of Deliciousness

So, today's post, as you may have gathered, is about the delights of food. First let me say that I have been experiencing a lot of new food in my stay over here in Malta, aided of course by the fanatical cooking of my dear Mark. This morning, for instance, he cooked me a breakfast of mushrooms, fried egg, bacon, baked beans, and tomato (which, I should add, was very very yummy).

As well as sampling both his and his dad's good cooking (it seems to run in the family), Mark has also been taking me out to places. Yesterday was one of these days; we headed to the beach, and once we'd been in the beautiful clear Mediterranean sea, we decided to have ice cream - I mean, what's a beach trip without ice cream right? So, we wandered down to a kiosk on the beach and bought an ice cream each. Picture this: a giant plastic cup filled first with fruit (pineapple, melon, grape and much else besides), topped with ice cream, a wafer, a chocolate rolled biscuit, chocolate sauce and chopped peanuts. Needless to say, Mark was delighted, and I was in ice cream heaven.

After some more sea and sand and general beach fun, we decided that lunch was called for. Mark and I got into the car and zoomed our way to a little place that does savory and sweet pancakes. With seemingly linked minds we chose the same. First: a savory pancake with tuna mayo, tomato, mixed pepper, red onion, and lettuce. Second: a sweet pancake with hazelnut ice cream, chopped peanuts and chocolate sauce (though he had strawberry sauce instead).

The dinners in this house have been immense culinary achievements too, and each night I find myself incredibly satisfied with what I've eaten. For instance, lunch on the day of my arrival yielded a pasta dish with salmon, perfectly salty for the tired taste-buds. The use of vegetables and salads is exquisite and I have to say, I am truly enjoying myself. I even find myself starting to share Mark's boyish excitement for meals; the smells, the tastes, oh! So intoxicating.

The wine festival should also be mentioned here, because there was one wine that we kept going back for. The platter of cheese that we devoured was good too (though it should probably have been taken with the first glass, not with the third).

Mark's snacks are also a touch of culinary genius, usually just crackers with cheese, but the combinations of taste are so perfectly matched to each other, I truly believe I could live off his cooking alone.

I should leave it here for today as we still have much to see and do (and of course, more dishes to try). I wait in expectation for the time I am next called to eat.

Until next time dear readers.

The Delights of Malta

Yes dear readers, I am writing this post live from Malta!

The flight over, though a little nerve-wracking (since it was my first flight alone and only my second ever) went completely smoothly, even the landing was good. I guess ryanair aren't that bad after all. After collecting my bag and having my first dose of the Mediterranean sunshine, I was greeted by a crazily enthusiastic Mark who was waving like and idiot (which made me cringe but also laugh), and we set off for his home where I'm staying.

Meeting his dad wasn't as bad as I had first thought it would be, but I felt very nervous, and a little more so when meeting his sister. They did like the presents I got them and seemed to like me, though time will tell how much. Mark certainly seems happy to have me around, and I must say I feel the same about him.

The climate is the only problem really. The first day was a bit much and I found myself sleepy with an enormous headache. Mark, however, was an absolute angel and looked after me with water and an attempt at a smoothie as well as cuddles by the million.

This morning was better, and I found myself whisked away to meet Mark's best friend Glan (finally, as we've been playing guild wars together for as long as Mark and I have). It was lovely to finally meet him, and we had fun together. I hope I'll be seeing him again really soon.

And this afternoon you ask? Well, that was for Mark and I.

We head out to the wine festival tonight, which I'm looking forward to, though it'll be an entirely new experience of course. And tomorrow promises some early morning fun on the beach and hopefully a lot of quality time with my other half.

I'll keep you posted.

Hand Luggage

As those of you who keep up with my blog know, I am heading over to Malta shortly to visit my lovely Mark. As such I received an email from the infamous Ryanair about what is and is not allowed in hand luggage; and, as it's my first time flying alone, I decided that I would actually take some time to read the restrictions. Mainly they were just normal "no weapons" kind of mentions, but then I reached the bottom where it said "items with internal combustion engines such as chainsaws". Chainsaws? Yes, chainsaws are apparently on the prohibited list.

Well, there go my plans for the flight!

Needless to say, I am distraught that I will not be able to take my favourite zombie killing implement with me to Malta. I mean, what if there's an outbreak of the T-virus on the plane? What then, dear readers, am I to do? Normally my main priority would be to protect the pilot, but it seems I'll be unable to do so without my trusty chainsaw!

It does leave me wondering though: did someone try to take a chainsaw in their hand luggage? I'd love to see the look on the member of airport staff's face at discovering a chainsaw in someone's bag. That said, how would it fit? Perhaps diagonally I guess, though even that'd be a struggle. Flammable substances are prohibited too, meaning no refills for the chainsaw even if you did manage to get it on the plane. And with the added prohibition of many other weapons - including: handguns, cross bows, axes, harpoons, night sticks and ice picks - the passengers on the plane will basically be screwed as far as avoiding becoming zombies is concerned.

Though I've moaned about zombie outbreaks, don't be fooled into thinking I expect there to be one. In fact, I applaud Ryanair's move towards promoting passenger safety and feel good knowing that there won't be anything sharp on the plane and that everything will be wrapped in bubble wrap... or perhaps that's going a bit too far? Still, I am thoroughly looking forward to my journey, even if I'm a little bit nervous.

I hope to post again soon, though the next few days may be a little hectic. Perhaps Saturday?

Have fun my dear readers.

Preparations!

With my trip to Malta becoming more and more imminent by the minute preparations needed to be completed. Shopping seemed to be the only way to remedy the majority of my shortcomings, and so the day before yesterday, Hayley and I jumped on a bus and trundled into Southampton to buy all those little things I was missing.

The main problem was that I didn't actually have a suitcase for my hold luggage. This was fairly quickly remedied with a bright pink one (which will make it easy to spot of course). After a few small hiccups we actually managed to get everything I needed, including presents for Mark and his family and a new (and very awesome) swim suit for me. All in all the day was great, and made greater by the addition of the Hayley sleeping over rather spontaneously, and of course animated movies.

Yesterday was a good day too. I finally got my Internet connection in my room sorted out so I can now run Guild Wars, Spotify and Skype simultaneously and almost without lagging, which is a feat in itself considering the terrible speed of my connection. I played Guild Wars and had a skype conversation with Mark, Alf and Hayley last night, which was fun and unexpected. Hopefully tonight will be as good as last night was, with perhaps a little more productivity.

It rained here this afternoon, which was nice, though of course we could use a little more, especially from my personal perspective. Hopefully it won't rain too much on the day of my flight, though I realise that it probably won't be raining when I reach Malta.

I can't wait to see Mark again.
Until later, dear readers.

Monsters

Yes, dear readers, I am posting for the second time today. News has reached my ears that my ex Alex is once again camping on my blog. Stalking me, in very basic terms. I hope that he will never read this, because I hope that he will never find this blog again. But in case you do, Alex, I want you to know that sitting here and reading post upon post of mine will not bring the answers you seek, it will not tell you what you are searching for... the only way that you will ever find that is by looking within yourself and surveying what you have done to me. To find your answers you should answer the question: "how would I feel had I been forced to make tea for her every morning?", "how would I have felt if I had been blackmailed on a daily basis?", "how would I feel if she had not respected me? If she had not listened? If I had been crying and she had been ignoring me?" Ask yourself these questions Alex, and tell me, do you still think I left you for someone else instead of for my own reasons.

I have restrained myself from saying these things for a long time. When I said no contact I meant it. That was the only thing I asked for, that was it, and you agreed. Hassling my friends comes under the "contact" label, as does emailing me, childishly (I may add), and suggesting that my friends are bad friends and that my new partner is, to use your word, a "creep". Let me just ask; if Mark's a creep, what the hell does that make you?

Rant over.

Tomorrow I head into the realm of (hopefully not too sunny) Southampton. Much shopping and preparation is needed before the weekend, and though I'm looking forward to the shops, I know it will also be a rush, with such a lot of things needed to be purchased, and not really much time. Still, lunch and Hayley's company will be a welcome change from my room, especially with the loss of my ability to attend Guild Wars.

Hayley is right, spending time with her is not the same when Mark is around, it's just not "girl time", it'd be the same with any man about (except perhaps Ben :P).

In the meantime I'm enjoying a bout of Desperate Housewives and feeling more relaxed after this little rant. I have needed it for a while, and though I hope it never reaches him, at least it's around if he ever decides to camp on my blog again. It will not shut down, just as Hayley's will also not vanish, I enjoy the freedom of being able to say what I need to, even if it's to nobody.

In other news, I kind of like the new layout, though I did like the old one better. Still, an unrecognisable blog is called for. Red is my favourite colour, and has been for a long time.

Yes, that's it for tonight.

The Return Of Religion

Religion has always been a bit of a strange thing to me; throughout the years I have never wavered from believing that there is a God, nor that S/He is benevolent (my upbringing could be the key to this as I was brought up in a Christian environment with supporting and loving parents), but sometimes my faith in God to bring the best into my life has broken. This happened almost eight years ago, and I have been trying to recover from it ever since.

To tell the truth, my choice in boyfriends hasn't really helped the situation; both of the big relationships being with boys who didn't believe and let me know it, I wasn't really in the best of places with God, not when the most influential person in my life was cynical about religion. This, coupled with my loss in faith of the people in the church I used to go to, has made mending my belief structure extremely difficult, it's no wonder I haven't managed it.

But now, with the new addition of a partner who actually knows and loves God, my faith is starting to re-emerge. It'll take time, I know, to be able to talk about it freely, or sing about it, or not get embarrassed when people pray in front of the non-Christians I know, but I'll get there. For the time being I have begun with baby-steps and taken up praying occasionally. I still feel like they metaphorically hit the roof and don't really go anywhere, but I'll get past that eventually. All I really need to do is persevere, and with Mark as my partner I don't think that's an issue, he'll support me no matter what I do, and already tells me he appreciates the effort and he believes God does too.

Well that's it for this Sunday's post, dear readers.
Installment 3 of my desk items should be coming soon.