Cynicism

I'm a naturally optimistic person and really dislike being shown a bleak future. When this happens it feels as if a distorted mirror is being shoved before me, but that image isn't crystal clear, and it definitely isn't me.

I wonder when cynicism became reality. The media is full of shit about the current economy for jobs, sure, it's hard, but it's not impossible, and we can always volunteer to add more experience to our CVs. The trouble is that today's generation have no concept of patience. We'll get a job eventually, whether it's in a week or a year's time, as long as we don't give up.

When I'm shown the odds on things like this I take it as a personal challenge. "Can't" is not in my vocabulary, and I have no idea what "give up" means. I live with the mentality that I can do anything I choose. I have determination to match this too (a blessing indeed) and will keep going against everything.

Saying this, I do understand the idea of not setting yourself up for disappointment. I would say I do this too, but I don't, I just learn from my failings. And if I don't get the result I want first time then I guess my technique could do with a bit of tuning.

Think about all those people whose names we know: Einstein, Da Vinci, whoever else; they failed too, yet they got there in the end. The trick to succeeding isn't being great, it's not giving up.

Freedom

Freedom is important. We can see it every day; countries kept in an iron grip rebel, caged animals complain, prisoners dream of escape. The people around me all seem to be feeling this need for freedom, and I know at least two who are changing countries to try and get away from something.

Mark, who lives in Malta (as I'm sure many of you know) is, next July, moving over here to the UK. He's fleeing Malta not because of family or life in general, but because of the hot summers. The temperature out there in August is enough to make any man sweat as soon as he leaves the house and, frankly, I'm not surprised that he wants to leave. Malta is a great holiday destination, it's beautiful and has a load of culture as well as spectacular night-time views as well as great places for dining. However, I wouldn't want to live there all year around.

I guess, unsurprisingly, I am part of the reason he's moving over here. I feel undecided about that point, though he's been looking to move north for some years now, I wonder what would happen if something went crazily wrong. Would he move back? Would he stay? I honestly don't know.

On the flip-side of this, Hayley is thinking of wandering away to a foreign country for a while to explore and live away from home. I can understand this too. Her reason for leaving is to break the bonds of her childhood: education, home life, work. Taking into consideration the magnitude of these bonds, I'm not actually surprised that she wants out of the country. Saying I'm happy about her moving across the world would be a complete and utter lie, but life is short and if she wants to do it then she should.

I also had a conversation with my sister Lizzie about the idea of moving out and away from home. It's very difficult, once you've had a taste of the freedom that you need, to come back to the cage. I wonder whether Lizzie will just move out all together. I wonder if my parents will approve of what she wants to do, and whether she will care. I wonder if Hayley will want to come back, and if she will be able to move back in with her parents when she does.

Part of me wonders what I'll do without Hayley: where will all our girly chats go? And all our conversations about the ins and outs of gaming? Will it stop? Will she miss out on the beginning of Guild Wars 2? Will she even come back the same person?

The Perfect Man

I have always thought that, regardless of who we are and no matter how old, all women dream of that fairytale happy-ending. I don't know a single woman who doesn't have a version of "the list". "the list" is basically a list of things that they would like a man to fulfil and characteristics they'd like in a partner. This list can be anything from brown hair, blue eyes to personal traits like funny or well presented.

Most men, when the fairytale is mentioned, start to think the whole "knight in shining armour" thing. I'll admit, I have thought this a romantic image in the past, and sometimes I wonder whether I would still like it or not. However, having found Mark I have begun to question my own list of stuff. He fulfils almost everything on that original list, but there are a couple of things that have since been scratched off the list. This includes the idea of being overly chivalrous.

Chivalry is, according to the media, dead; so when you find it it is a rare gem. However, too much of it makes you feel like the other party thinks you're helpless. Of course, this is just an example, but there are other things that have since been struck off the list. The idiom "everything in moderation" comes to mind.

I wonder if the things that we want when we are considering "the list" are realistic. The search for "the one" is bad enough, but to try and fit them to a list is ridiculous.

Interestingly, Mark does actually fit most of the criteria I had in my list. To me he is perfect, and now that I've got him around I find myself worrying that I will somehow break him as if he is a perfectly shaped porcelain teacup. I suddenly feel like I know nothing about being in a relationship and nothing about love. I feel like a clumsy child picking up very breakable objects and putting them in her pockets to get squashed when she starts running or riding her bike. Somehow I just don't think my care is good enough.

Saying that though, I know that I don't want to let go of this metaphorical porcelain teacup. I'm not going to lie: I could live without Mark, but that doesn't mean I want to. In fact, I hate the idea of not being with him in some way every day, and I miss him terribly when we're in different countries.

I guess what I've been trying to say in this post is that having all you want is great, but some of the things aren't as good as they seem. What you really need is someone who brings a mix of wants and needs. As well as this it's good to remember that having everything you want leaves nothing to strive for, and what's life without a challenge?

Growth

People change: that's one thing I've learnt in my few years alive. People are always changing. Here, now I must define "change" because the fundamental personality doesn't change, but the things that we want, our priorities, do change. As we grow we begin to expand our horizons; we reach a certain age and we begin to want things that we never wanted as children. Sometimes they're things we never even thought about: a career, a house, a car. And sometimes they're things that we've wanted our entire lives: marriage, children, pets. Relationships are just the same, the priorities of the people in them change as they grow and develop.

There seem to me to be several stages where we undergo growth spurts in the priority department. The first is when we come out of education -  be it at the age of sixteen or twenty-two - somehow we gain perspective, we need to have a job to gain money, and a place to call our own. I know people who've moved out at the age of sixteen and been working since then. The second seems to be when the first life-shattering circumstance happens - be it a destructive break-up, a death of someone close, or just a massive realisation - these are the points in life where we are suddenly thrown into light and see exactly who we are and what we are made of. Those moments seem to be the catalyst for change.

Last summer I went through something similar myself. The catalyst for this was an eye opening occurrence brought on by a string of events starting at least a year before. Change can take time. I've learnt a lot since the moment that the biggest change happened and expect to learn even more as I leave Uni, not only about myself, but also about the way I live and look at life.

By no means am I suggesting that a change in ideas and priorities is limited to the individual. Relationships go through this very same thing. In a good relationship the changes of the individual get discussed and sorted out. New visions for the couple's future are brought into play, and the couple grows into them together backing each other. However, to a less successful relationship, changes in one party can be fatal. Think of it this way: a garden has two trees of the same breed, as they grow their root structures move into each other. A good relationship will cause the trees to fuse together (a process called inosculation), whereas a troubled relationship will limit the growth of one of the trees. In a way the growth spurts I was talking about earlier are often the reason that the relationship may not last; if one of the parties has a sudden change of priority and the other can't understand it or do something about it fast enough the priorities will no longer match. Without common priorities a relationship is hard to maintain.

At this very moment I can feel the air becoming more springlike and in a few weeks the trees will start to bud and burst forth into new life. I have to admit, I'm seriously sick of winter now and feel like spring is long overdue (even through it's still only February). I look forward to the visions of blossom on the trees and bluebells scattering the grass.

Clowns

Have you ever thought you'd never do something and then ended up doing it anyway? I guess I could say that I have done this very recently with the prospect of Obsidian armour on my monk. Let's face it, I've finally reached that point where there is very little else to do in the game, and though I could claim boredom as the catalyst that finally brought me to this conclusion, it was more to do with the feeling that this achievement has yet to be tapped by me. Yes, that's right, I'm going for Obsidian armour (see it here).

I've never really looked at that armour and gone "wow, that armour looks really good!" in fact I think it will make me look a bit like a mad clown escaped from a circus, all I'd need would be the face paint (awaiting next year's Halloween to see if they do a mad clown mask or something). I especially think this about the top half with it's strangely reminiscent evil clown style collar (as shown in the picture). In any case, it will be a statement that says that I am just like every other monk with obsidian armour and chaos gloves, although better in skill than most (I say this because I have watched them monk and thought "what the hell are they doing?").

Going after this armour will also mean many trips into underworld once again. This time, though, I have the advantage that Sean is also going for obsidian which means that I will have a partner in crime to make the farming more bearable and easier. I remember when I decided to get my first pair of chaos gloves; I spent a good part of a month dragging people in there with me so that I could try raising ectos. Even though I know it'll take a long time, I am looking forward to trying for this milestone.

In other news, my FYP is coming along nicely. I did my first thorough edit of the prologue on Friday, and am now starting to set myself goals for completion of the first edit. With a quarter of the first edit done, I feel positive that the editing will not be as hard as I had thought. Though the breaks I'll need between will be fairly spaced, I'm confident I'll get it done to a standard that is fitting with everything I can achieve.

Next week also promises a fair amount of fun aside from the work. Hayley should be spending the night on Tuesday, and hopefully also staying for a good portion of Wednesday. The alliance are doing another quiz night on Saturday too, which should be good.

I guess that's all really at the moment. Have fun readers :D

Am I A Narcissist?

In one of my modules this year we are being encouraged to start a blog (if we don't have one already) and this has sparked quite a lot of communication between my peers about blogging in itself. I have yet to tell any of them my own opinion, but I will tell you now: I see, and have always seen, blogging to be therapeutic and good for identifying one's ideas and talking them out to a piece of paper. Sure, I could do this on a piece of paper, or on a  word processor, but getting them onto the internet somehow gives them another dimension.

I have heard one of my peers describe a blog as a narcissistic thing; an egotistical way of telling the world that you think you should be heard. I've heard others say they have no patience to keep a blog, and that if they did anything it would be keeping a diary.

In his description of narcissism, Freud actually says that a bit of narcissism is healthy and good for development (just not as much as Narcissus who the term was named after (this is the guy in greek mythology who falls in love with his reflection in a pool of water)). In a sense I think that Freud was saying that we need to look at ourselves from time to time and think about where we come in importance in our own lives. Do we put ourselves first? If not why not? And should that always put ourselves first or is there just a time and place for that?

I'd like to say that I'm not at all narcissistic, but I know this would be a complete lie so I'll say this instead: most of the time I am not a narcissist. Most of the time I put those who I care about first and myself second. Because this is my choice I don't feel bitterness when people won't do the same for me. I could be selfish to the point of egotism, but I am not.

Writing, you could argue, is a narcissistic subject to study and a selfish medium to practice. It's a way of saying "I know how to write, and you're going to love this book because I wrote it!" though, of course, we don't say that. Publishing a book is throwing it into the world and letting people see it; if you don't have confidence in what you're writing then you aren't going to bother with it. In a way, all writers are narcissists in some way.

Perhaps writing a blog is the narcissist's pass-time, but if that's the case then my peer, who has commented this folly, is a little bit deluded when it comes to his own narcissism. He's a poet, and quite an egotistical one at that. Either way it doesn't matter, only we have the right to judge whether our work is that of a narcissist or not. If the work is good who cares?

In Twenty Years... Will We Be Friends?

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone I used to know. It started off reasonably enough but soon got into irritating territory. I was trying to explain something and it was plain that they weren't even trying to understand and, instead, suggesting that I should see it his way.

I know I try to see the way others see the world as much as possible. Being empathetic is important when it comes to understanding someone, and that's part of being friends with someone right? I mean if you don't understand them how can you claim to know them in any detail?

Recently I seem to be encountering this more and more, both in what my friends tell me and the conversations I have. I find the same thing with almost everything; take religion for example: how is it ok to tell people what you think about God but not listen to what they believe in return? I've had this done to me and, honestly, it didn't make me want to join them.

So what if you're trying to tell someone something, explain a choice you made in your life, for example, and you can tell that they're not even trying to understand it? Should you keep trying to explain? Or should you drop it and move on? And what if it happens with everything? Should you drop them as a friend? I mean they're telling you how they feel and you're not refuting their ideas like they're rubbish so why should you put up with it yourself?

And what happens if it's not a friend but a family member? Honestly, it's ignorance warped into pigheadedness (which unfortunately is quite common). If they are a family member, do you have to listen? I would say that you should listen but take opinions with a bucket-load of salt. It's your life, at the end of the day it's you that has to look back in twenty years and assess whether what you did was good enough. I say this, though I have never had the problem myself, and cannot possibly comprehend what it's like to be told what I should do with my life.

Recently I saw a picture while browsing with the words:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

I was sat staring for a minute and was mesmerised by the words. I guess it ties in with the idea that you need to begin living life for yourself because you are the one who has to live with your choices.

I write this blog for myself predominantly. I know there are those of you who read it, but I would still write it even if you didn't (not that I don't appreciate your presence of course). I write because I enjoy it, and I've always thought that's the difference between success and failure, if you're passionate about something you're more likely to stick at it, no matter what the odds.

I see money as a thing of little worth. I'm not sure if that was because of my upbringing or because it has brought me little happiness in itself. I value knowledge, I value love, I value friendships and all much higher than money. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be rich one day, I just don't need to be. I'd like to achieve my dreams and to go on all those adventures that my mind reels at.

The only question left is: Do I have the courage?

12 Things I've Learned In The Last Year...

1. It's hard to see relationships for what they really are when you're in the middle of them.
I guess this is pretty-much says all it needs to. I'm sure many of you have experienced this and heard it in song lyrics, I knew it before, and last summer I guess I re-learned it.

2. My writing is worth something.
It sounds strange for a creative writing student to say that, but I didn't realise how good it actually was until I was told I'm looking at a 2:1 on my entire degree. I'm actually impressed with myself I mean As in college was one thing, but a degree? Even being at Uni I didn't see this coming... I'm not really sure how.

3. I have an amazing ability to surprise myself.
This time last year I couldn't have imagined myself on a plane to Malta and yet I've done it twice now, alone. I would never have dreamed of a working long distance relationship, yet I'm in a working one. I guess it comes down to determination really.

4. Not all men are moulded to the stereotype.
According to a world of gender division men lack romance, spontaneity, sensitivity, and often understanding or compassion when it comes to their female counterparts. Since the end of June I have been experiencing the exact opposite and I am, therefore, led to believe that men can be all of those things and much much more. Or maybe it's just Mark? Who knows.

5. I make a damn good monk.
Let's take a step out of the real world for a second. Since this time last year I have been training to become the best monk I can be. And I would say, right here right now, that I have become all I can be where I am right now. To become even better I would need to take a step into the world of PvP and go up against players. Wish me luck.

6. I like sex... a LOT.
Okay so this is more something that I've rediscovered, but it turns out that I really really enjoy sex. The emotional connection (when you have someone worth sharing it with) is just unbeatable and the physical and mental stimulation is pretty amazing too. I even like the taste and smell... I guess all I need now is for Mark not to be in another country... ;)

7. Guinea pigs are incredibly complex creatures.
This is something I'm relearning every day, and Thor is my subject. Since he moved into my room I've become far more attached to him and his personality has become far more pronounced than it ever was when he was with Hades.

8. I was in a serious self-image crisis.
When I say serious I don't just mean the normal "does my bum look big in this" crap, I mean the kind of thing where you are sure you look crap every single day before you even look in a mirror. Of course it didn't help that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself really. Now though, I've learned my lesson and shaped up: nails, eyebrows, hair, you name it. I feel much better about myself.

9. An untidy emotional life means an untidy physical life.
If I could compare my room from February last year and the room I am currently sat in the past me would be stunned at the cleanliness and the present me would feel confused at the mess. My room, in this case, is almost a projection of my mind. My life is tidy so my room is too.

10. Hayley is a great friend.
Seriously, last June I swear she was my lifeline. She did everything I asked and more; keeping me busy and being there when I needed to moan, you name it, she did it. I just hope that if she ever needs me I'll be there.

11. I like collecting fans.
This fascination started with a wooden fan in a shop selling Chinese things and has since been expanded to five. Needless to say I really like them all and plan to keep expanding my collection.

12. Doing new things is never as scary as it first seems.
Leading up to something big I always find myself bristling with nerves but this year has taught me that no matter how scared I am beforehand, taking a leap of faith is never as bad as it seems. It's like jumping a gap, it seems huge if you concentrate too much on it before jumping, but when you pluck up enough courage it takes much less effort than you though.

Judgement and Frog Umbrellas

Since we're very young we are on the receiving end of judgements. We get judged for our academic ability by being told we're smart or otherwise; we get judged for our playing ability and whether we're good a sharing toys; we get judged on how helpful we are; on our pleases and thank yous. From a young age, I'm talking around 6 here, we're judged by comparison to the model that society deems we should fit.

All of us have been judged our whole life. People dislike us for no reason, or like us because of a smile. These people don't even know us, they judge on appearance. It's like that feeling you get when you see "delinquents" on street corners and you're alone: you know, that little voice that says "cross to the other side of the road, become less of a target" as if they'll grab you and stick a knife in your leg or something.

I know that I have been judged a lot for how I look. The person I am loves to aggravate that, I know that if I look a certain way I can get people to look at me with disgust or contempt or just plain confusion. It rained today, and I took my frog umbrella with me. I love these umbrellas and, though I know they're really for kids, I like carrying mine too much to care what people think. Before I got the umbrella I had wanted one for a long time. My parents never let me have one when I was little and, along with a pair of wellington boots with frog eyes, they were one of those things that I never let go of wanting (unfortunately I couldn't find any boots with frog eyes in adult sizes). Carrying this umbrella has, in the past, meant I've been approached by a guy doing a survey for parents; I've been looked at like I'm crazy; in college it gained me a reputation for being strange (along with my bare feet and leather trench coat). People judge me and I know it. I've even been known to describe it as a filter, fickle people care that I wear no shoes and call me names. People worth my time don't care at all.

Despite this, since I was about seventeen I have tried to live a life in which I try not to make bad judgements about people I meet. It's hard sometimes, especially when my friends are being hurt by someone. No matter what they're doing though I try to remember that the side I see is only a snap-shot of who they actually are. No one shows their whole self to any one person. Even couples won't see every side of the other; I've never seen Mark teach, for instance, and I don't know what he's like in the classroom. Speaking of Mark, he has a philosophy not to dislike the person but rather to dislike the action they choose.

Out there today (just as in previous times) there are judgements that we make based on someone's sex. Take male dominated societies for instance; those are places where women are seen as being inferior or have society's expectations thrust upon them. They don't have equal opportunities for work or sometimes even freedom. Yet some people believe it to be necessary in order to repress those fiery qualities in women. I'm not arguing that they are right or wrong here, but I wonder what these countries are leading to. And if you think that this should be the case, why do you think that? Is it because of women you've met? Because I can assure you that not all of us are like that, not all of us grapple for power over men, not all of us want you to do everything our way... if that's all you've experienced of women then you haven't had a very fair cross-section of our sex. There's humility and compassion and love in there too. Perhaps those who think it is right to imprison women should look at it the other way, what if women were to have been pushing you down for generations, how would you be reacting. I'm pretty sure you'd be fighting for equality too.

What about stereotypical judgement though? I mean, as I said before, we only ever see a snap-shot of anyone. That hoodie that teen is wearing puts him in a box? Well I'd argue that no one really fits into a single box, you can try and fit yourself into a certain box but at the end of the day there'll always be something that pushes you out of it. I'm the first to admit that I have some feminist thinking in me, but I would in no way fit in the feminist box, though admitting the fact that I like some of the thoughts would get me judged.

What about picking up someone else's judgement though? I mean, say you've never met a certain person yet your friend tells you what they're like. I'd say you have even less right to judge them than you have to judge anyone you've actually met. If you judge like that (and I know I have done in the past) you become one of those people that you think are fickle.

Ultimately we have to ask where does our judgement lead? To malicious gossip? To spite? And if so, do we think it's healthy to be thinking like this? I guess that's for each one of us to decide for ourselves. At the end of the day though, people are individual and, as such, no one will ever completely fit into society's ideal image. As Jesus said, let he without sin cast the first stone. I'm pretty sure we're all guilty when it comes to judging people and I'm also pretty sure that we wouldn't want it to happen to us.

However, when brought up in this climate of judgement, can we really expect anyone to refrain from doing so?

The Last Step On This Road

Today was the first day of my final semester. My degree seems far closer now than it did yesterday, and I'm beginning to wonder where I'm headed. The last few years have gone quicker than I expected and, even though lots of people told me they would, I find myself caught by surprise. It's not like I wasn't prepared for this day, but I didn't think it would come as soon as it did. When I went to bed last night I thought today would be just another day.

It caught me by surprise, everyone's conversation was about Christmas today. To me Christmas was a million years ago (its presence trumped by the recent visit to Malta), but that was the only thing on everyone's lips; well, apart from FYPs. 

In that department I'm actually shocked to find that a lot of people I know haven't done all that much. Half of them have false-started and are now developing something completely new (this was actually a process I went through myself way back in the summer holidays, probably on the other trip to Malta that I took (thankfully the same thing didn't happen this time, that would be a nightmare)). 

On the FYP subject too, it seems that my tutor is taking a sabbatical until September which means that our communications will be limited to email. I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing, I mean I feel more comfortable online anyway, I mean I live a great part of my life there. On the other hand, his office was always full of things to discover, like a giant dessert for the eyes, full of substance and flavour. The music in there was good too, it was like stepping out of the normal world and into some kind of alternate place. The chair in the corner was cool too. 

Despite dreading the idea of finishing Uni and having to go out into the real world (for once), I'm actually quite looking forward to bits of these coming months. Writing For Display looks particularly fun, especially since it opens up a new reason to visit museums. I was also pleased to discover, upon mentioning this, that Mark is also a museum junky. I guess that's Easter's visit sorted. 

This semester looks brighter than before too as I discovered that I didn't just have Julian Stannard for Creative Voice III and that it will, in fact, be cycled between teachers. The fact that only two weeks will be spent with each one does also mean that there will be much more work to be done to prepare for these classes. To me this is a small price to pay for the not-having-Julian-Stannard-all-the-time thing.

This academic road, which I happened to alight on around three years ago, is coming to an end I guess. It feels like an optical illusion, or perhaps like a conveyor belt that moves faster than it looks. It reminds me of the conveyor belts at Heathrow that leave you almost falling over once you get off them. 

I hope I don't fall over.

Great Expectations

As valentines day approaches so does the expectation of presents and surprises from loved ones. This year is the first year I'm actually taking part in any kind of valentines day celebration and I have to say I am thoroughly looking forward to it. Most of this following week's plans for valentines day involve shopping, packing and sending. I already have a few ideas for things to send.

In other news, Hayley and Ash reach their second year anniversary in five days, and I'd like to say congratulations to them (in advance in case I forget). This news ties in quite well with my subject today too as I plan to discuss the idea of overreached expectations on occasions, specifically in regard to loved ones.

So it's valentines day, and you are awaiting eagerly for that bunch of flowers or that piece of jewellery or whatever; something you've had your eye on for a while. Whatever it is, you've hinted that you want it, even gone as far as sending links to it, or pointing at it in a shop window and saying something like "that would be good for valentines day". But is it really realistic to expect it from them if you haven't outright asked them to get it for the occasion? And if that is the case, and they don't get it for you, do you have any right to be at all annoyed about it?

Sometimes I wonder about women in particular; I mean how can you hold someone responsible for not doing something you didn't ask them to do? I'm not saying that men don't do this too, but it seems to be much more common with us, especially around occasions where a present of some sort is expected. I mean, how would you feel if your other half idly pointed at a rip in the wall paper and said something like "the wall paper's ripped" and then came back from work that evening and had an argument about how you hadn't wall papered the entire room while he was at work? Pretty angry I imagine, not to mention confused as hell.

And while we're on the subject, should we expect presents for no reason? I know I don't expect them, though I can't deny I enjoy them. Spontaneity is undoubtedly an extremely attractive and coveted quality, especially when it sticks around for the duration of the relationship. But do we have a right to expect it? I mean, it sure does keep the relationships interesting, right? But I always thought that the whole point of being spontaneous was that the other party couldn't predict it. To me expectation seems to nullify the spontaneity.

Perhaps, if you do expect the spontaneity, when it comes around you don't notice it? Have you ever thought it could be that you're waiting for it? Maybe that's why your relationship's getting boring, you're looking too hard.

Doesn't anyone just enjoy their relationships anymore?

The Blank Wall

The other day I took yet another step on the path to being healed again. I know to a lot of you it looks like I am, but it'll take a long time before I'm actually ready to forget what happened. I did something, on Tuesday, that I'd been considering since the break-up back in summer: I cleared out my toy net. When I say "cleared out" I don't mean got rid of all of my toys, I just mean I got rid of the ones that I would probably never look at twice again and also all those that had any kind of connection with Alex.

It was tough, I'm not going to lie about that, but I felt better afterwards. It was done. Among the toys I got rid of was a certain lion named Lemons. He was one of a pair that me and Alex shared, and was probably the most loved of my toys for a good few years (apart from Ragtail of course). The sheer amount of tears I cried into him was probably enough to fill a small ocean and house a couple of humpback whales. I guess he was my companion through the tough times when Alex was behaving like a spoilt child.

Since there was a movement of toys in my room I decided that I would also relocate the toy net that they sit in. It's been moved across to the other side of my room above my TV and now I have an empty wall where it was. Before I put the net up in the first place, I had been toying with the idea of getting some shelves and putting them up there. I could really use the space for more books, my bookcases are overflowing and with the addition of another set of books for this semester (seriously how much do they think we should read?!) the space is even more limited.

Above all, I am trying to keep busy. Using this last week of holiday for self-improvement and room improvement too. It's a long time until I get to touch Mark again, and keeping busy will be the key to getting through it quickly and productively.

I'm also considering the possibility of getting two female guinea pigs to occupy the hutch in the near future. Seeing as it's still fairly cold, however, they'll need to be placed in the green house just as the boys were around this time last year. Mostly that just means clearing it with my dad. Hayley also wants to come with us as she loves baby guinea pigs. I have no idea when this will happen however, it could be any time within the next month.

Black and White?

I wonder, sometimes, if there is such a thing as a white lie. These past few days, since I found out about a certain lie from a certain person (no name policy applies), I've begun to doubt my own philosophy that all lies are black lies that have a detrimental effect to the trust between not only the people involved, but all bystanders too.

Without going into too much detail, the lie was placed before we really became friends; probably even before that. This, to me, seems to have a significance of some sort. The lie doesn't bother me, the revelation of it now (after all these months) only bothers me slightly, not even the continued lying and building upon it bothers me that much. Somehow I feel like I should be feeling more about it, I almost feel I should've been angry and yelled or something, at least about the loss of respect and trust I felt... or some shit like that. The thing is, I didn't actually feel as if my trust or respect was dented at all, and now I'm sat here wondering why.

Perhaps it's that this person is so very consistent in every other way, constantly proving that they say what they mean and they stick to whatever they say, no matter the personal cost. They are so big on their word that I wonder if the lie didn't dent the trust because there is an overflow of it that can't touch the whole. I guess this idea is a bit wordy so let me give you a metaphor: You fill a glass to the top with water, and it overflows, you then use a towel to mop up some of the overflow, but because it's not in the glass it has no effect on the main body of water. I don't even know if this makes sense, but it could be what's happening.

One of the other options is that the lie was placed such an amount of time ago that I no longer care about it. I was discussing it with Hayley yesterday and I think perhaps that it was, in fact, more to do with the consequences of the lie being much more powerful and detrimental than the truth. I know this is a rare thing, but I actually felt better about the truth. By this I mean that it answered some of the growing fears I'd been having in a positive way, and so the lie was more worrying than the truth.

The only thing that this has really changed is the way I see the person involved. I feel somehow that they are more fragile than before, like I might break them without meaning to, as if I'm holding a painted eggshell that I had previously thought was made of wood. I doubt very much that they can make me see them in the same robust way ever again.

I also feel like I did something without realising all of the consequences. I went into part of this relationship essentially blind. I understand why they told me the lie, I understand why they kept it, but it feels like a blindfold was put over my eyes (albeit a silk one) and has suddenly been removed.

I guess what I'm leading up to is that I do feel a bit betrayed about it. I don't feel like the trust in them has been dented, I believe them when they say they haven't lied about anything else. I just feel like it's put pressure on me to act a certain way, even though I've been acting that way since the first time we met. The lie changed nothing and everything at the same time.

As for whether this lie was black or white?
I remain undecided.