Would You Deny Me?

It's amazing what denial of an object or dream will do to me. By this statement I mean when I express an interest in something and people tell me I can't do it or similar.

I remember when I was sixteen I told my Father that I wanted to write a novel, that I would write one, I would get the word count. His reaction? He told me he thought I lacked the willpower to succeed in that feat. It had been my dream since I was around thirteen to write, and he told me that he didn't believe in me.

I wonder what he thought would happen when I look back at that day. I remember we were in the kitchen and it must've been a Sunday, for the traditional roast was cooking. I don't know what he thought he'd gain by telling me I lacked willpower, and letting me know that he also lacked faith in me. All I do know is that as soon as he claimed I couldn't do it, my dream became solid and I strove, over the next year, to write that novel.

And I did, when I was seventeen I already had a first draft laid out, like a carpet of words. I remember the look on my dad's face when he heard that I had written a novel; and not just any novel, a novel with almost double the qualifying word count.

Looking back, my reaction to being told "you can't" has always been one of defiance, and I love that about myself. If you tell me I can, it doesn't have the opposite effect either, which only adds to it. Once I set my mind to something, I'm stubborn as a mule, with a competitive streak to boot. But if you have your own dreams for me, and I don't agree then you can kiss them goodbye.

I guess what I'm saying is that the best way to get me to do what you want is to tell me I can't, because it puts me in overdrive to show you just how much I can do it.

Good Friday

So for the first time in a while I'm at my parents for a more than a day. As with every other time here, the offer is open to attend church. Since it's Easter I thought, why not? I mean, this was my childhood teaching, and the church has recently undergone a rebuild.

I guess I somehow thought that this church must be preaching the message I have learned over all those years... but I guess that message was learned on my own, because sitting there and listening to that sermon, I couldn't even see where my own thoughts fitted in.

It was probably in the moment that the preacher said that those who didn't embrace Jesus would go to hell that I sat and stared and thought, "I no longer fit here." Because they may believe that, but saying it is where all the damn separationism starts. It makes Christianity a religion on "them" and "us".

For a religion that supposedly preaches inclusion there's an awful lot of the contrary. And when it starts in churches how are the followers supposed to think otherwise? I mean, every one of us should question our own beliefs, embrace them sure, but at least think for your damn self.

If I were to follow one man's words blindly I'd be trying to convert everyone I saw, trying to tell them that life was good and that they could be fixed. For all I know that might be true, but I have no idea what those other people have been through. No idea about their thoughts and feelings or even if they're ready for that kind of message. I think it's extremely presumptuous to tell someone what they should and shouldn't do, how they should and shouldn't live, because you can never really know how someone feels because we all have completely different perceptions of everything.

If you actually take the time to read the message of the new testament, it doesn't say anything about loving everyone except these select groups, and it sure as hell doesn't say anything about them and us. It says everyone, everyone was saved by Jesus dying, so why is there the them and us thing going on all these thousands of years later?

To be honest, sitting there in that building made me wonder how I stuck with it so long. I believe in God, and the message and stuff, but not the way they teach it.

Those who follow with their eyes shut are fools.