Eleven Days

He tells me it's only eleven days away, I'm not really sure how I feel about that yet, it'll be weird to say the least. Eleven days and counting.

A hell of a lot has changed in the last month, sometimes I feel like I'm burning on the inside, and sometimes I feel cold still. That aside though, I am looking forward to certain things. Beach trips for instance, films that are set to be watched, walks to be taken. All the adventures of the summer.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really real. But, my god, I hope it is.

The dreams are still waxing and waning. Perhaps I long to write, yet I'm not sure. My room is still in a state of half destruction. It's like my world isn't yet complete. But maybe it will be in eleven days. Tomorrow the real countdown commences.

Noses

So yesterday, the adventure that Hayley and I took into Southampton yielded both a lot of fun and enjoyment, and my new nose piercing. As you can see by the picture, it actually looks good (well I think so anyway) and actually suits me quite a lot.

It wasn't really painful, or even irritating afterwards. I have a feeling there's more to come, but considering how painless it's been so far, I'm not too worried. I was actually really nervous yesterday as we headed in to the room where it'd happen, though there was, of course nothing to worry about. The worst that happened was that my eyes watered and I bled a little. I was surprised how quick it actually was.

As you can tell by the title though, this post is about more than one nose, and until now I have only mentioned one. So here it is, confession time: I have a thing about men with predominant noses. An attractive nose is something I look for in my partners, though my definition of attractive isn't particularly specific, but they're all interesting to look at.

Yesterday sorted out a lot of issues that have been plaguing my mind too. I needed that day with Hayley, and am very grateful for it. There are, after all, some things you can only get from your best friend, and she more than did her part yesterday. She even came to effectively mascot my nose being pierced; that coupled with a good deal of wandering around clothes shops and talking things through, made me feel so much better than I have in a week or two. All in all I'm feeling good, great even.

Strawberries

With summer hitting stronger everyday, now seems to be the perfect time for strawberries. I had some for breakfast this morning, and I have been craving them for a while now. It seems the more I devour, the more I want, and I'm finding it hard to contain my desire. Of course, I'm not just talking about the fruit here, but that's a start at least.

Recently I've been waking at five am for purposes unknown to a lot of you. I hope that soon they will be told, because I dearly want to shout this to the world. First, however, I need to be sure.

My passions also seem to be gaining strength in thoughts of the future. I want to wander away on random adventures, walking to wherever the wind tells me, to wherever the trees whisper. I want to sit in fields where the grass stirs and write on lined paper. I want to sing, and dance, and fill the world with reasons.

I want to sit under ancient oak trees and eat strawberries.

Redesign!

With the redesign of my life going well, and with the appearance of the new customisation stuff for the blogs, I feel it's only right that I change the layout here too. I'm not entirely sure how it will look yet, and it could be a few days before it gets changed, especially since I need to finish my room before anything else takes precedence, but it will get done. I'm thinking maybe a combination of blue and red, though I'm not sure.

The tidying of the room is going pretty smoothly, I estimate that I'm perhaps halfway, though I will need to work quite solidly to get it done by tonight. After realising that I couldn't finish it yesterday, and having half of the stuff covering my floor, I decided that I really needed to push it all into one area so that I could actually move. The annoying thing is that the place I moved it to is actually obscuring two of my fighter's bowls. This could be seen as a blessing in disguise, it means I actually have to do it today, and cannot put it off.

I did, of course, get the desk set up in it's new position (which is actually awesome), I like the set up here better, if possible, to where it was before. Though I have slightly less desk space, it feels more like a separate part of the room because of the position of the bookcase, one issue is that I won't be able to see the TV from my desk anymore, but seeing as I haven't really used it for anything other than dvds of late, that's probably not an issue. Pictures will, of course be taken of the various different places that have changed. And possibly even those that haven't. There are no before pictures, because the place was a tip. I did take some chaos pictures yesterday though, at around ten am when everything had been ripped out of place. They will probably go on here, as well as one of a spider's nest I found behind one of my tanks (it was kinda creepy).

Alright, I've enjoyed my morning coffee (and cereal!) and am ready to get started. I'll keep you posted :)

Yay! London!

So, for Hayley's birthday, me, her and her boyfriend Ash went up to London to explore the natural history and science museums. The natural history was actually more fun than the science museum, but both were good, and we did go to the science second. All in all, it was a fun, if tiring day, and I was happy to get back home, having not slept well the night before.

Sunday was a good day too, and for the first time ever, made waking up early desirable as well as expected. Something in the mornings recently has made them far more pleasant than they have been for a few years at least, and I'm beginning to wonder how I ever let myself sleep through them.

Though there's a long way to go yet, getting up early is having benefits on my health that I can already feel. I feel happy, healthy; of course, this could be something to do with how I've been eating too. Without the need for junk food, my body seems to be defaulting back to craving healthily. For breakfast yesterday I had fruit. I'm eating more than enough veg, and I'm actually looking forward to good meals again. Over all, I'm smiling more, and feeling better, and I'm told it shows.There has been a strong base for healing built in my life, and even though just one thing could try to throw me off it, I feel safe, and happy, and looked after.

Today I am cleaning my room, which presents a challenge, and one that I haven't tackled for a while. With a morning like this one, however, I'm confident that it'll go well. All I need to do is work out where everything is going. I wonder what objects I'll find along the way, and what memories will be stirred up. Still there's only one way to find out. Have good days people.

Books

I would like to know where all my books came from. I came to clearing out my room today, got halfway through my books and thought: fuck it, I'll do it on Monday. Apologies for the swearing there, but I thought I'd be frank. Seriously though, where did they come from? I guess they built up over the years, but now that it comes to it my shelves are overflowing, where am I supposed to put them all?!

My favourite genre, as I'm sure some of you are already aware, is fantasy, and my collection, though not particularly extensive, still seems to dominate the shelves. As well as books I have dvds and they seem to take up space too. I have no extra shelves, I have no extra space, so where should I put them? I can't have them cluttering up my gaming/writing space.

It also doesn't help that the mood to tidy didn't actually hit until around three pm today; this late I just have no motivation to do anything other than computer stuff. Of course, had I started earlier, and the end been in sight, I would have continued. Right at the moment though? No. The only thing in my room that is even remotely clear of clutter is my bed, and possibly the desk, but that depends how you define clutter.

In other news, we're going out for Hayley's surprise tomorrow. I would reveal where we're going, but she might read this so I cannot. Thankfully her present has arrived, ironically it did so on the day I was out seeing her. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and will be smiling as long as events go to plan. I'm sure I'll blog about tomorrow either tomorrow evening or on Sunday.

Until then readers.

Dreaming

I feel like I'm living in a dream, one of those weird dreams that you're not sure you want to wake from. Major things are going right, but other things keep going wrong too. I guess where life is concerned, they can't all be happy endings.

One dream that I'm chasing at the moment is particularly dear to me; though, in order to achieve it I have to fully heal. It's hard to do that at the moment, I'm dreading what will happen next to shatter that which I have only just started to mend.

I feel like I slept alright last night, yet I woke with a headache. This could be partially due to dehydration as I didn't have anything to drink after five yesterday, and considering some of the events, I probably should've. I did have another strange dream last night involving myself giving birth to twin girls and then neither of them being willing to drink the milk I had to offer and both of them eventually dying because of it. Apparently to dream of giving birth indicates a new side of yourself that's about to be born; to dream of twins indicates a split somewhere in your heart or mind, perhaps a decision, or the people you care about being divided; and dreaming of deaths is supposed to indicate imminent closure to situations.

Of course, I'm not particularly superstitious, but I do believe that dreams are messages from the mind to the body. The dream could mean everything I've just said, there could be splits in my life that I'm not telling you about, factions. Or there could not, and the dream could just be a weird muddle of emotions falling to bits, or stray thoughts that I once had resurfacing with new glory only to be squashed.

There are some things in my life at the moment that I desperately want to harness properly, and some that I feel are being taken and don't want to go. I see myself doing selfish things, but seem unwilling to stop myself. It's as if I'm enjoying it, and it disgusts me.

I'm supposed to be tidying my room today, but most of me wants to put it off another day and spend the time playing Guild Wars with Ben instead. I'll probably end up doing just that.

Insomnia

As you can probably tell from the timestamp on this post, my sleeping hasn't got any better, in fact last night was probably the worst so far. This could be for an number of reasons, the first being a niggling text I received when I turned my phone on to set my alarm, but of course, there were others. The problem was probably my active mind, though it seems that the fault for my bad night's sleep may be my own; after all, just a few moments before, I had been relaxed and completely content.

Apparently it's cold here at 5:30am, who knew? As I'm writing this I struggle not to shiver, though it's only really my arms that are cold, the rest of my body is still snuggled in the warm embrace of the duvet.

I wonder if today is the time to start writing. I could always start of course, but at the moment my mind feels fractured and I'm not sure what's going on, I don't particularly want my readers to get confused just because I am. I wonder how common insomnia is in writers, and whether I can claim to have it. How many hours do you not have to sleep to be classed as an insomniac? Ha! Wikipedia says that the type I am currently suffering from (the early waking, obviously) is often associated with clinical depression; not that I have that of course. The wiki also doesn't give specific sleeping hours, supposedly anything under normal is insomniatic, great. Last night I slept for approximately five hours, however, there is a perk: it seems that insomnia is associated with increased longevity.

Despite failing to sleep, I do actually feel surprisingly refreshed this morning. My mind is still immensely troubled, but at the moment, who can blame it? I do, however, have something to look forward to today: the beautiful Hayley is adorning my life with her presence. It's the first time I've actually seen her since the break up, and will probably be exactly what I need.

Creativity Overload

My first night of proper sleep in around a week was cut short this morning by a persistent sister, telling me there was a phone call I had to make. My god I wish I had made coffee before making that call, but as it is I didn't. I know I couldn't have done any better with that call even with a caffeine boost, let's leave it at that.

The last few days have actually felt good to me, my life doesn't feel as derailed as it did before and I'm actually looking forward to some possibilities in the remote future. To my two main rocks in this painful time: I am eternally grateful. I just hope that I can be there for them in their times of need. Hayley, Mark, I love you guys.

The rain that started last night felt far more refreshing and in tune with my mood than I think it has ever done. As I have mentioned in previous posts I do love the rain, and with the slow return of my passion for life, I've gained a new respect for it. After the constant assault of hot humid weather, the wind and rain was as beautiful a change as they come. The smell of the world around me refreshing itself was almost intoxicating, and now I long to go walking in the rain, to feel it kissing my skin. My poetic senses are stirring more than they have in months, and part of me longs to write, to fill pages with meaning and images. I am holding myself back at the moment, my imagination needs to hit a certain level before I can start without stalling.

Along with my creative juices, my mind is also concentrating on organisation. After an intense conversation about interior decoration, I'm itching to tidy and rearrange my room yet again. I feel like a total overhaul of my small world would be an immense idea, starting with my room, and working outward to achieving goals that, before, I had only dreamed of. My mind is already picturing new layouts, new ideas.

I'm also looking forward to the arrival of my dvd of Alice in Wonderland. And, as long as Hayley's birthday present arrives too, I shall be seeing her tomorrow. This smile on my face is real, though still concealing some fears, pains, and insecurities. What can I say? I'm still healing, but with the help of my friends I know I can get there.

Not Bad... Just Weird.

Yes people, after just one night, the dreams are back. Not bad dreams I add, but disturbing ones. Considering that last night I only got around five hours sleep, the fact that my mind still somehow found time to dream, makes me wonder what the hell it's priorities are. I don't feel rested. I personally think that now my body must adjust, as well as my mind. I don't remember there being dreams the last time I went through a painful break up. It may have something to do with that tiny phone call every night.

I hardly ate yesterday, I didn't feel hungry, I just didn't. I ate an evening meal of salad, and that was a small one. If I'm not careful I'll start waisting away, I'll become as thin as I was, but I'm happier as I am now, and the thought of losing that weight, though it may be exactly what a lot of women desire, doesn't appeal to me.

This may seem like a break up moan, but there's a lesson to be learnt here. It's unavoidable not to have your heart broken at some point in life. I guess it's what we do with the emotions when it happens that counts. At the moment I'm grieving, of course I am, but I don't plan to mope or turn into a melting ice cream dispenser. I plan to do something with it. Write a novel, or my entire FYP first draft, or perhaps just push it into getting something expensive on Guild Wars.

I've also decided to get my nose pierced, I've wanted one for a long time, probably at least three years. The disapproval of Alex always stopped me, but with my friends on all sides telling me they want to see what it looks like, my idea of getting one seems to be bolstered somewhat. When the rift formed with my first big relationship I did what he'd told me I couldn't. I cut my hair short and got my ears pierced, now I'll do something that Alex told me I shouldn't, something I want to do. And my reason? Because I can.

Octopi

It's strange being single, especially when you haven't been for five consecutive years. My heart feels strange, sometimes it's like there are two octopi writhing over each other, and sometimes it is calm, even warm considering what's happened.

To go into the reasons for my desertion would be disgusting on this blog, and as such it's not going to happen. But let's just say it needed to end. Despite this I have no regrets, which seems so strange. I'm determined not to stop stepping away from my box now, it was smothering me, and at a time in my life where I need more, I should be out there.

Today is not the day to start however, I took a massive step last night, and it'll take a while to adjust to that. Today will be a hard day, I'm fully aware of that, but I'm ready to face it, to battle it head on. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and being surrounded by good friends for the first time in ages on a Saturday.

I also didn't remember a single bad dream from last night. It's as if a great weight has been lifted off me. I still have baggage of course, but it's lighter now.

I should thank my friends too, all those who've looked out for me, who've loved me, and who told me how proud they are that I managed that first step. I've bottled out so many times before, and they've always been there to help. But this time I have the strength to pick up the pieces myself. Thanks for lending your support guys. I love you.