The Yellow Flipping Cat and Other Stories

Yesterday was a good day, a very good one. After lectures Hayley and I headed into Winchester for our first visit of the new year. It was fun as usual and consisted of a delicious melted brie and bacon baguette, as well as the discovery of the primark opening date, and some interesting shopping. Hawkins bazaar is one of our favourite haunts, and we normally visit it when we trek into Winchester. For those of you who have seen my two of three desk posts (third of which is still pending), the fact that I bought, yet another, small nick knack for my desk will not surprise you.

This particular new addition is a small plastic wind-up yellow cat. Yes, the title becomes clear all of a sudden. To flip properly he needs to be on a completely flat surface. He lives on my desk obviously, so that may be an issue.

The other news is today's news I guess. Among a run-in with the (utterly useless) student loan company, I have also spent the day glass painting and writing poetry. It seems the break of normality over the summer has done my creative spirit a world of good, and perhaps my inspiration collecting has begun to get back to work. I attribute this partly to the time away from home and in Malta, and the linked subject of having an equal, fair, and working relationship. I am starting slow though, to avoid draining myself now may be crucial later, especially with my FYP this year.

As well as this I have also got a lot of reading to do, book after book of it in fact, with more on the side. Still, for my creative non-fiction for children I am required to read a "Horrible Histories" book, so it's not all bad. Some of the bits on the side look to be interesting too - a piece by Fraud for instance entitled "writers and daydreaming".

Anyway, that's about it for now. Have fun readers. :D

Same old...

With today being my first day back at Uni comes the start of the new academic year for me. This year seems like it will be more challenging than the last two, but I have my own goals and addiction for achieving them early on my side. The pieces of work are set to a longer word count, sure, but only by about a thousand words, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

At the top of the agenda today was Advanced Fictional Writing. It seemed almost the same as all of the short story/creative modules we'd done in the previous years. Not that I'm complaining of course, refreshing the mind and building on what is already there is key to the skill of writing because anyone can write, it's just knowledge, practice and education that separate the best from the worst (best here indicates quality not best selling).

Second today was a module called creative vigilance, the tutor told us it was scary as hell, and that we probably wouldn't know what was going on until after the mid-point in the module. He did say, however that we'd be pushing a lot of the boundaries of writing as well as our own set writing style. I can see where he's coming from, it's so easy to get stuck in a comfy groove with just about anything.

Other than that Uni is just the same as normal. It seems strange though, most of the people I know had uneventful summers when mine seemed anything but.

The beginning of Autumn also brings the falling of walnuts with it (from the tree in our garden I mean) which I devour whenever I have the patience to do so. The falling of conkers is now also imminent meaning that I must watch where I tread when it hasn't recently rained. And the misty mornings have begun to spring from nowhere. Same old Autumn I guess, same old Uni, same old friends. Everything is normal again, but, since Mark, a happier, higher plain of normal. Not to mention the feeling of belonging somewhere.

Yes, dear readers, mixed in with the old is the brand new and shiny, and it sticks out like a beautiful ruby amongst custard powder.

That's it for now. Laters :)

Butterflies and Wind Chimes

For years I've collected small things, things that are not particularly common. I've made things too, and, in case you have never met me, or set foot in my room let me introduce you to a little part of me that hides mostly away from the eyes of the world. I'm talking here, about my love of wind chimes, mobiles and other objects that hang from the ceiling. When I say that I love them I mean it more than most. Sure, I know people who have a mobile or two in their house, a set of wind chimes in their conservatory perhaps, but I'm talking about more than that; I'm talking about an entire room full of them, just like my bedroom. It will probably seem strange to bring these suspended objects up at this minute, but as I sit here writing this the wind is blowing, and a few of them a chiming.

The thing I love about chimes in particular is that they seem to have a voice all of their own, and it seems (to me at least) that they reflect my mood more than most pieces of music can. I can sit here and listen to music that is supposedly sad or lonely, or happy, or sleepy, or whatever; but when the wind blows through the window and sets one of them going it tops all the music in the world.

More than anything these objects have the purpose of being inspiring. In my tiny haven of space, up here in the attic, away from the streets and the chaos that may or may not be going on downstairs, I have created my own little home full of nick knacks, memories, and things that hang.

A year or so ago I had a mobile that hung above my bed. It was a tiered mobile and had five butterflies of different colours on it. It was truly beautiful and I could and have lain in bed in the morning and watched it slowly spin. It was my favourite, but, being made of mesh, it slowly deteriorated, and last time I sorted out my room I threw it out.

It's amazing just how many of my mobiles have butterflies on them, it's as if they've been following me all this time just to turn up in a nickname from my Mark. I never really thought of myself as a butterfly kind of person before, but now that I look around me and see how many of them I have unconsciously picked out, I am starting to re-evaluate that statement, after all, we never really know what we are until it is brought to our attention. I guess sometimes the people who integrate into your personal bubble have a better idea of who you are than you do.

Anyway, that's it for now. Have fun readers.

Teeth and Tails

Monday was our trip to the zoo, along with Mark's last day over here for a while. It was a fun outing, seeing the animals and taking a vast amount of photos, as well as enjoying each other's company. Hayley and Ash were there too, and of course, as a four it became almost a double date at times, and eliminating the possibility of a spare wheel. Lunch in the zoo was particularly fun, especially with all the brie and crackers that we consumed, and of course the carrot cake (yum!).

The end of the day came all the more swiftly though, if only because I was dreading it, and soon it was time to sleep once again. Knowing I would be bidding farewell to Mark the next morning was saddening and because of that I only managed to grab around four hours sleep. Still, we had to get to the airport early, and that meant leaving home at around four fifteen.

I was glad that yesterday was a day off for him, because it meant that a mere five hours later we were playing guild wars once again on our respective machines in our respective countries. Neither of us found the separation as hard as the two previous times. We enjoy each other's company no end, even more when we're together, but the company doesn't stop when we're apart, and I think that's what will make this relationship succeed in the end.

Next week I start back at Uni for my final year. With good grades last year, I'm not really worried about this year, especially with Hayley and Mark helping out by reading over my work and giving me pointers. Seeing as I already have a possible 2000 word start to my FYP as well, I'm not even worried about that, and I go into my third year with all expectation of graduating with no problem. The only issue now is what to do afterwards, because I seriously have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do anymore. I guess it's a case of trying things. To be honest I wouldn't mind going into teaching, but I'm just not sure yet.

Recently I have also begun to delve back into the Simming world. The Sims 3 has a new expansion pack out soon, if not right now, and I'm actually considering making it so that I can purchase it. I'm not entirely sure whether that will also mean purchasing the base game and all those on top. It has been a very long time since I bought a game, but I'm thinking that The Sims 3 will be well worth it, especially since it is what you make it and so, effectively endless.

Anyway, that's it for now, I'm going to go and play The Sims 3 :D
Later readers.

Excitement

In four hours Mark will once again be landing on the sublimely sunny turf of the UK. I know I should be excited, but it hasn't really sunk in yet. He's excited, I know that much, he was absolutely beaming when it came to leaving his house this morning. Other than waiting there are still a lot of things that need doing. I need to clean out the guinea pigs, shower, make my double bed up, things like that. Yet I seem unable to find the motivation to actually move from my computer chair where I am sat wrapped in both my warm snuggly dressing gown and my duvet. My room, for once, is fairly tidy; well, by my standards at least. Perhaps a few areas are out of order, but, you know, that's just me.

I fully expect that I won't be posting again until Mark has left; he is, after all, only staying for a very short time, and I want to spend as much of that in his company as possible. I'm particularly looking forward to the fact that it's "talk like a pirate day" on Sunday. Mark loves pirates and I'm sure we will participate in it in some way or other. And then with Monday's trip to the zoo, also just around the corner, the time that I can spend alone with him becomes mainly today and tomorrow. Still, to keep him entirely to myself would be very selfish, especially since he is beginning to build friendships with both Hayley and Ash.

He is also bringing his camera over with him (as you'd expect from a tourist of sorts) and I'm sure that we will get many many photos of his trip, short as it is. A group photo would be particularly lovely as we don't seem to have any that are completely posed.

Anyway, I've been sat here for far too long now, especially with the amount of things I need to prepare.

Until Tuesday readers, take care.

Nostalgia

Over the past seventy-two hours I've spent almost all my time working on the surprise for Mark. He's visiting tomorrow and still doesn't know what it is, so I can't reveal it on here, but even though we have a very small history compared to a lot of couples, I have spent a lot of that time laying in pools of nostalgia. Of course, I don't need to think back to smile at us. Mark makes me smile every day, and I can look forward too, especially to tomorrow.

The other day was another trek into Southampton with Hayley. We had a great time, even though it was only really me buying anything. And then she came back to mine and slept over. The rom coms and talking were worth the aches and pains of walking all day and the lack of sleep too. Her female company is always a blessing, especially when we get to chat in the dark.

After tomorrow, the next big thing on the list is the zoo on Monday. Both me and Hayley are looking forward to it immensely, and I can say with a fairly sure confidence that Mark and Ash are too. I miss going out as a group to somewhere, especially with that particular group. Unfortunately, with Mark so far away, it isn't always possible, in fact the next time looks to be my birthday.

I look forward to this weekend with a mixture of feelings like a badly brewed cocktail. I feel happy and excited obviously, at the prospect of seeing Mark again. But I also feel a sadness verging on misery, it will be the last time I see Mark probably until November because, from here on out, neither of us will have time except in the evening. The dawn of a new Uni year begins on the twenty-seventh of this month and, though I'm looking forward to it very much, this summer is something that I loath to let go of. I can say without hesitation that it has been the best summer I have ever had.

To all those who made it so: Hayley, Ash and Mark especially - Thank you!

Discovering and Rediscovering

Good morning readers, recently I've been rediscovering many things in my life; I guess it is a consolation of escaping from the cage of an abusive relationship, but recently I have started rediscovering music, particularly the healing power of song and singing (perhaps I can even add writing to this, but it's too early to tell for sure). Being silenced every time I sang was damaging to my spirit and I guess it's only just starting to heal.



To take a part of a verse from the musical Sweeney Todd:

My cage has many rooms,
Damask and dark.
Nothing there sings,
Not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
When they're captive.

Perhaps in my own way I was a Lark in a cage. The fact that I am, once again, starting to sing is more a sign of healing than most of the other subtleties also going on. In the process I am finding more and more songs that I used to love singing to, that I can still sing to. My voice isn't as good as it was (being out of practice) but I'm lucky in the way that the singing voice runs through the female line in my family. Along the way I am also discovering new music to sing to, Hayley helps a huge amount with this; we have similar taste in music and she regularly sends me songs over spotify. A lot of them end up in my playlists, and very quickly become some of my favourite tracks. Some include:

Rilo Kiley - Dreamworld (spotify) (youtube)

Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come (spotify) (youtube)

Hurts - Wonderful Life (spotify) (youtube)

As for rediscovery, there are a hell of a lot of tracks that I had completely forgotten about. Some guilty pleasures in the form of bad x-factor finalists, some boy bands, some rock, even a little emo. All these genres that I hadn't even realised I missed until I found them again.

For the past two years I've also been struggling with writing... I had thought it was Uni that did it. Being told I need to write, I thought, had stopped me from craving the need to. Perhaps I was wrong though. Last term's pieces were particularly hard to force, and maybe the emotional trauma of being unsure what I wanted in life, of having my hopes and dreams squashed, was preventing my brain from being able to draw inspiration from anything. It's early days yet, but having written over a thousand words in one sitting only a couple of days ago give me renewed hope that the thirst for writing has not been lost, but merely held back by some inner force to stop itself from being torn apart in the tornado of realisation and the debris that followed.

And now, dear readers, I shall go any test this theory, because the blank page is no longer my enemy, it is my canvas of wonders. Yes! I feel like writing again.

Take care guys.

Rain

Yesterday we had around five minutes of heavy rain, and supposedly to day we'll get more. Rain is one of those weathers that brings my imagination to surface level, and I've taken advantage of that today by adding another potential thousand words to my FYP. I've been reading as well recently, and all in all, I'm feeling a little more productive than I have been for most of the summer.

In other news it's only ten days until my darling Mark is again in the country. This brings me back to a previous blog post I made at the end of June. I was nervous back then and it showed in the post. This time though I'm looking forward to the visit with the added benefit of knowing this is going somewhere and perhaps even hint of the knowledge that this could last a lifetime. The next few months will not be easy, with the next gap in visits being probably at least two months. However, I will make the most of this visit, and I know that he will too.

The rain for me, also brings thoughts of growth, and I certainly hope that this academic year I will take all the chances I can when it comes to growing in the way I need to in order to make the best of myself. I have been known to stick to my comfort zone in the past and I want to change that. Of course this means that the confidence in me needs to be nurtured. In the past few years, certainly, it has been beaten down severely, and now that Mark has started to look after it again I should start to as well. After all, it's my mindset that needs to change. Had I not been so unsure, it wouldn't have been able to be beaten down in the first place.

In the five minutes that it rained for yesterday, I took some pictures. I'll leave you with my two favourites.

Enjoy the view. :)

Brainstorming Crimson

For fifteen months I have had a character on my Guild Wars account called Crimson Misrecord; she's my assassin and takes a special place in my gaming life as she is the first of my characters that has mastered the art of running and is able to run through any route in the game.

Today I finally got her a Mask of the Mo Zing, a head piece I have been wanting to get for her for a long time. Of course, like the rest of her armour, I dyed it red (there's a reason she's named Crimson after all). When Hayley saw it she commented on the colour and I began thinking about the name. When I first made Crimson I thought of the name as her actual name, but as time has passed I've some to think of it more as a title than anything else. And recently my mind has even started to play with the idea of her ancestry and background. Stories come bubbling up from the depths of my mind forming her character and filling the empty shell of my Guild Wars character with potential.

Red is my favourite colour, it represents a vast number of my favourite things. Things like Autumn, strawberries, my first fighting fish, cranberry scented candles. Having the key to my running being painted red only seemed natural.

My mind has started breaking her up into pieces. When I say this I don't mean it in a bad way, of course I don't. I mean, perhaps I could take the title on its own and put it into something else. Say a dagger that gets handed down through the line, along with a uniform and mask. Say the Crimson Misrecord is actually an entire family of assassins, but no one knows that. Perhaps there are rumours of a single entity. Perhaps the family live in an extremely secluded location and teach their children the art of deception and then, when they're ready, they all go to do the same job, in the same uniform, and seem to be everywhere at the same time.

Of course, at the moment I'm just throwing ideas around the paper (or blog post). I'll keep you up to date on the ideas as they loom before me like uncut rock destined to become a sculpture. But anyway, that's it for now.

Have fun dear readers.

Windmills

The weather, as it is today makes me want to go outside, find a deserted field and dance. It's windy today, and I can feel potential floating through my window. The weather brings back memories of making a fortress out of hay bails when I was about thirteen. That was probably the second best summer I've ever had, shortly following this summer that has just happened. Life back then was new and exciting, the freedoms of being a teenager were just beginning to show through, and I remember going out every single day, and spending from nine am to five pm outside in the sun and the wind. Today has the perfect weather for windmills.

I've always had a fascination with windmills, I'm not talking about the buildings with sails, I'm talking about the ones you can hold in your hand that twirl in the slightest breeze. I'm not sure why I've always liked them, perhaps my inner child is still captivated by the shiny colours and bright stalks. I know that whenever I walk past somewhere selling them I wish I could get one. Maybe they're akin to my love of wind chimes and mobiles. For those of you who have never actually visited my room, the ceiling is choc-full of the dangling beauties.

I recall getting my first windmill on Animal Crossing. I ran around with that thing forever after. I probably still have the cartridge somewhere. I also remember catching my first shark on that game, and seeing the tarantula and freaking out when it stung me.

Thinking about windmills takes me back to a particular conversation with Mark too. I have a windmill attached to my wall and I remember getting it out to show him on web cam and blowing it so it spun. It was windy that day too, and I held it up to show him just how much.

This summer I saw many windmills at stalls in Malta, and thinking back makes me wish I had purchased one. Something fun to remember the summer by. Of course, I have many objects that already do that, and some of them are quite fun, but I would've liked a windmill. Still, regrets aside, I did have an amazing time, and I know, without a doubt, that the summer rates highly, if not the highest.

Anyway, that's it for now. Have a great windy day :D

Ownership

This morning I woke up to the sound of rain and a cold breeze blowing through my window. I have to say it was refreshing, and I lay for perhaps twenty minutes listening to it. I considered taking pictures of the sunrise too, for in the east there was a break in the dark clouds where the golden sky was shining through. It was truly beautiful.

Moments like these make me think that there must be something more to life than most people realise. Perhaps those who fail to appreciate the pure and intense beauty of the sunrise and are too self absorbed to take it in should sit for a while in silence. Do we really understand how small we are? How insignificant? No, of course we don't, I personally believe it's beyond our comprehension, yet perhaps the beauty in the world is put there to remind us of it. I mean, we don't control the rain, or the sunrise. We can sit and watch both, but we don't own them. Perhaps the best and most important things in the world are things that we are unable to own. Just like other people, you can never truly own another person, and who would want to? Really, the unconditional love that may be expressed from one person to another is one thing, but owning them undermines that.

Over the past day I guess I've taken a bit of a look back into the past few months. Looking from the perspective I have now I can see just how lucky I am that things have turned out how they are. Leaving Alex, for instance, was probably the best decision I have made in the last five years. And beginning something with Mark, a man who has never failed to express love and appreciation for and to me, well, that was a great decision too. But I would never claim to own Mark, he may have given himself freely, but that doesn't mean he's my property. Yet I see it every day: people claiming ownership over something that cannot belong to them because it doesn't belong to anyone.

The same, I guess, could be applied to Music and Writing. Once the documents are out in the public domain no one can really claim ownership to how people react. The author can claim ownership over the effort and how the words are put together, and rightly so, but to try and make people think a certain way about something is just wrong. At the same time though, if the book or song causes outrage, people want someone to blame. At the end of the day it's the individual's choice how they let things like that effect them, and we need to remember that any opinion that causes a stir is pushing the text or song further into the limelight.

Perhaps this could also be argued about religion. In my eyes, certainly, it is wrong to try and own another person's beliefs by forcing our own onto them. I've seen evangelical Christian's doing this many times, and I have to say, for someone supposedly infused with the love of Christ, these people aren't really acting with the compassion and love that he showed. And the irony behind it is so clear to other believers, but those who don't believe have a hard time seeing where the goodness of God's love comes in. Jesus may have gone out and preached, but the people came to him to listen, just like people go to music festivals. How would you feel if a band that you'd never even heard of came and played in your living room without invitation until two O'clock in the morning?

The worst thing, perhaps, about arguments like these is that the media tries to assign blame and ownership to everything. I suppose it encourages us, as the people, to believe we can own anything we want to, when that's clearly not the case. I know that I shall never let anyone truly own me. People can claim they own me as much as they want but it doesn't make it true. I intend to stay with Mark, but he doesn't own me and I wouldn't dream of pretending I own him. I am best friends with Hayley, but only she can choose to feel the same about me. I can no more own them than I can own the clouds.

September

Yes, it's September and it seems, my darling readers, that I have been unintentionally neglecting you. The past few days have been a whirlwind of feelings and expectations. My world is a strange place at the moment. My dreams aren't bad, and haven't been for months for the most-part, but they've turned into something different.

The baby dreams are still around, and seem far more happy now than they did a couple of months ago. I remember one in which I had twins and neither would take milk and both died as a result. The new dreams involve me being a great mother, I guess that's a better turn out to the dreams in general, but I'm still a little freaked out by them. On the other hand, of course, the idea that the baby could symbolise the start of something new is one that seems more probable. Both Mark and I are determined to make our relationship work despite the distance and the fact that the babies are surviving, even thriving in my dreams could be an indication that I'm feeling more positive about this.

The fact that both Hayley and Mark are away at least for the weekend (in Mark's case) and the week (in Hayley's) brings an annoying space of time that needs to be filled with something this weekend. Luckily the guild are planning to do the deep tonight, and even if we don't manage to get enough of a team together I'm sure there'll be something to do as well. Last night was strange without Mark, but Alf was skyping with me. The loneliness seems only to be at the forefront of my mind when I'm actually alone completely or not busy, and even then, if I really need him, Mark will be there.

Last night was full of interesting conversation, I hadn't spoken to Alf for some while, and I missed him. His interesting spin Mark and my relationship was entertaining to say the least, especially since he's good friends with both of us, and his gentle giant demeanor was something I haven't really had enough of recently. I guess sometimes it's difficult to see how much we miss some qualities in our friends until they return.

Recently my lower back has also been acting up and I've been forced to spend a good portion of my afternoons lying down to try and relieve the pain. I'm not really sure what's doing it, but I pray that it won't persist into the new term.

Part of Mark's next trip over here will be presenting him with a surprise gift. I won't say too much about it on here, because he reads this blog with great attentiveness. But let's just say much of this weekend will be spent gathering things together so that it just has to be put into motion. A visit to a craft shop will also be needed, but with the idea of a shopping trip with Hayley once she returns from Scotland, floating about I'm not too worried.

Anyway, that's it from me for the moment. Have fun everyone.