Originally I remember thinking that this guy could become one of those special people that dominate my social life. Not as near as Hayley or Mark, but near enough to warrant talking to a fair amount, if only on MSN. I thought that two years ago before we lost contact, and I was thinking that a couple of days ago when I first spoke to him.
I was surprised with myself too, I'd thought this friendship was long gone, but after a discussion with my sister about him and how he was doing (they see each other quite often and are still fairly good friends) I felt an urge to see how he was for myself. I didn't even know I was that interested until just after the new year.
But here's the catch: when I was friends with him before, we used to flirt... a lot. I'd always assumed, wrongly it seems, that our flirtation was just a jokey friend thing. I'm the first to admit that I am extremely flirty, but when doing so I do make it very clear where my heart lies. If it lies with them I tell them, if it lies with someone else I make it excruciatingly clear. I guess it's my way of telling them not to get too close, but in this instance it doesn't seem to have worked.
At the time, of course, I was in a bad place, one I saw no way out of... that's not an excuse, I know that being as flirty as I was is inexcusable, especially when he seems to have taken it so seriously, but I'm not in a bad place now, I'm in a really really good one. I have tried to get him to stop flirting with me, I have told him I feel uncomfortable, but he hasn't really stopped.
I am trying my hardest not to flirt back too, but with such a flirty personality it's difficult, especially as it's a major part of my friend making. I mean, me and Hayley are best friends, I'd say I flirt with her too, and I'm not a lesbian in any form.
The surface of this issue leaves me wondering: is it possible to be friends with an old "flame"?
In the conversations we've had over the past few days, I know, with no doubt, that the two of us are completely incompatible, we have completely different tastes, yet he seems not to see it. We would make good friends, we did before, but is there a future there for us if he won't stop flirting?
I should add that when I say flirting, I'm not referring to the harmless slightly suggestive stuff, I'm referring to a much more creepy, explicit flirting; almost lover's talk. He won't stop, so what do I do? Do I a) cut my losses and block him again, or b) try again to tell him that I don't want to talk about that with him? Perhaps I just need to be clearer...
I'm also left wondering if being a flirt is a bad thing. I always thought it worked in my advantage, I guess it's how I've learnt to become friends with men. Short of becoming one of them, I can't think of another way to actually connect with them. I'm far too in touch with my feminine side for that, and I love being so too much to change. I'm not saying they're a different species or anything, but sometimes they feel confusing. The art of making a man laugh with you is a hard one to master without the use of flirtation. Maybe, those years ago, I went too far and lured him into believing we had a chance.
I think what most women don't realise is that they pigeon-hole men too much, they're just as confusing and unique as we are. They aren't the arrogant, power-hungry, sex-driven creatures the media would often try to make us think they are. As such, it's easy for them to become attached to a certain person. I mean, they act far more nonchalant than most women, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it, they're just conditioned by society not to show it.
Back then it was lovely to feel wanted by someone, but now I don't want to be, it creates complications. Still, I know that I am to blame for this situation. I became a predator whether unwittingly or not, and now I shouldn't run away from that.
Perhaps it's time for brutal honesty.
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