Revelation

So last night, prompted by my dear Hayley, I had a revelation. Recently I've been so self obsessed, and that's probably sugar coating it. So much stuff had been clogging up my brain, and my emotions for that matter, that I've gone an hurt almost everyone who really matters to me, not least the lovely Hayley herself. I've been so paranoid about myself I've forgotten what really matters.

For any of you who also read Hayley's blog you'll see that the last post was dark. I may not be entirely responsible for that (even though I feel I am) but I'm at least partially to blame. Why? You ask. Because I'm her best friend, and I should have been there to help. But instead I've been playing Guild Wars, taking it too seriously, and slashing everyone around me with verbal dislike for their style of play. What I really needed was an intervention, and thankfully I got one from Hayley last night.

The friends I have made are alienated by my new-found annoyance of the small things. I'm a good monk in skill, but along the way I have lost compassion for those people who got me to this level. After all, a monk is only as good as those she plays with, and I can't claim to be amazing without those people around me to deal the damage. Despite how much it hurt, I needed telling where to go last night, I have no right to tell people how to play.

In a related note I have also been neglecting my old friends in place of new ones. Of course, there's nothing wrong with making new friends, but ignoring the old ones isn't the way to go about it, and that's exactly what I've been doing recently. Hayley's been there for me when I've needed her, and now, when she needs me I'm with someone else, I'm talking to a new friend. She's my BEST friend, and I've been being horrible. A few days ago I posted that Hayley and I had been growing apart, and now I realise it's all my fault.

To remedy my lack of compassion recently and complete self-obsession, I have dragged myself out of bed and come into Uni to see her. We haven't spent quality time together in a while. What we really need is a sleepover, and time to reminisce, and cuddle, and watch girly movies, but with the assignment dates coming up that's not going to be possible until next week at the very earliest.

I've already sacrificed my weekend to Alex, a weekend that I should probably take for doing some more assignment work, but I can't go another week without seeing him, I just can't. I'll probably just dump all my done work in the drop box and attempt to do some while I'm there.

Here's where the neglect of friendships and other relationships ends. Right here right now, because I've been worried about hurting the wrong people, I never thought Hayley would be the one to get hurt. But now I can see why she would.

I have a couple of things to say to her about that, but I'll only go into one of them here. So, for you, my best friend, the only real best friend I've ever had: no one could ever replace you, I miss you everyday that we're not together. There are two people in the entire world that I don't work without, and you're one of them. I know you've forgiven me already, and I don't deserve to be forgiven, I've been such a bitch recently, I'm eternally grateful that you've shown me that. I love you Hayley, and I'm so sorry, so sorry for putting you through all this worry and heartache.