Common Sense

So my emotionally shattering weekend ended with a bang last night, as well as a life changing realisation. When I speak about life changing I'm talking about at least two lives, they've been entwined for a long time, and it'll be hard. I realised last night that I'm missing a huge chunk of what I need (actually I've known that for a while) and that it was time to right that. I need to do this, for myself, because if I don't, I'll just get even more stuck.

My relationship through a window is made up of emotional blackmail, being stomped on, and not being listened to. My mind has been screaming at my heart for years, and now she can finally hear these questions. All I'm left with now is a: how the hell did I get here?

I remember writing myself a letter saying that he loved me, I loved him, and that was all that mattered. But now I'm not sure if I feel the same anymore, and even if I do, this decision has nothing to do with love at all. I could love him with all my heart, but I've always known, deep down, that it was probably going no where. Now I just need to find the strength to tell him that.

There are, of course, as with any loss, things I would hate to lose. I know that these things will probably be lost along the way. I'll no longer have a second family, I'll lose those holidays that I would have gone on in a month or so.

I could wait, yes, I suppose I could, but if I forget these feelings of helplessness, of hopelessness, where will I be? I may well have gone back in time a year. There are still futures for me to explore. I can wish to travel to Venice, and I do, but not with a man who has pushed my common sense so far down into my depths that I can no longer use it at all. Life's too short, that's what people tell me, and that's what I tell people, so why can't I take my own advice?

Perhaps the bad dreams were my common sense rising to the surface, prompted by a guardian angel. I had another last night, but that's not surprising considering most of the evening was spent spilling puddles from my eyes. This has to be resolved, and if doing that means breaking my heart, so be it.