Indecision

For the past couple of weeks a dilemma has started to form. I've realised recently that I can't keep going in the way I have been, and to continue to do so would, not only be postponing the inevitable, but also make me more likely to hurt at least one person, if not more.

I see three paths on this road. The problem is deciding which to go down, because pushing through the metaphorical forest (like I am right now) is a struggle that I'm going to lose, I need to get onto a path, but my task will be to weigh up everything that I have against everything that I could have, or everything I really want, and of course, what I'm prepared to risk in this dilemma.

The trouble with this is that I don't know what I want, or what I'm willing to risk. I've had moments a bit like this before, but nothing this big. Nothing that could change my life in such a big way, and overnight too. And then, what happens if I risk everything just to have it blow up in my face because of incompatibilities.

I want, so much, to talk to Hayley about it, but I don't feel I can. I know deep down, that she won't approve of anything I have been thinking or feeling these past few weeks. The pressure of these feelings is weighing down on me, and I know I'll need to make a decision, and soon. With my work nearly at it's completion for the academic year, there isn't really anything I can say or do to stop myself thinking about this.

For some reason, this reminds me intensely of the part in the Disney rendition of Alice in Wonderland. The part when she first meets the Cheshire Cat and asks him which way to go. This way, or that way? It depends on where you want to get to? But I don't know the answer to that.

I have no idea where to go, or who to turn to, or what to say to those involved... if anything.